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what do you do when it feels like life is crumbling? the people you care about only seem to love you half of the time, and god forbid you say anything out of line during the other half. or they'll berate you and tear you down and eat at your insecurities until you want to retreat and curl up in the corner of your closet and rot. they keep you from the one person you feel connected to, invade your privacy, and claim it's normal. you're just crazy for accusing them of even having the capacity to be wrong. you're just sadistic for standing up for yourself.
and all the while you're numb. and worse still you're self aware; you know full well you're not completely in your right mind and you wonder if you really are crazy. desperate for attention. you don't even know what's rational anymore. you hate yourself for even trying to talk to people about it, even strangers. you hate yourself for daring to hope things would change because there are still so many others who have it worse. you're just entitled.
there's such a disconnect and you don't feel human anymore. you're just a sentient being, awkwardly floating through the strange, menial, mundane, and pointless routine of life. everyone else is just another sentient being, another blob of flesh and bone.
and your urge to escape is horrifyingly overwhelming. escape in any manner possible, small scale or large. locking yourself in the bathroom until someone pounds on the door and yells at you, which, of course, only makes you cry more. you don't let them hear, though, for fear of being called weak, and murmur something in reply to appease them, tell them what they want to hear. running away for a week and seeking shelter with the only person who feels like home because the place you live sure as hell isn't. shame that's not an option.
what do you do when you run out of options because what you're doing just to survive isn't quite enough?
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You don’t deserve that. Depending on their relation to you, I recommend talking to them on the phone to avoid being hurt. Love isn’t meant to be painful.
ReplyPlease dear sweet. Make it a priority for You to feel safe. You deserve this one fundamental, as well as so much more. Please promise. The world needs your beautiful thoughtful soul. xoxo
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