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To make things clear, I'm a bad liar, the biggest reason why is because I feel incredibly guilty when I lie, may it be a white lie or a regular one. It makes me feel physically pained, my gut starts to tie itself into knots when I try to lie so I end looking uncomfortable when I do, so it was very obvious to tell whenever I was doing it.
Ever since I was a child, I followed the Golden Rule, I made it my life's rule. "Do unto other as you would have others do unto you," it made perfect sense, so I did it in my everyday life. I didn't want people to lie to me, so i never lied. But I realized that was a very naïve mindset.
Going back from a year ago, I've heard that high school life was shitty, and by god it was. I was plagued with overthinking, I knew that I trusted my friends but there was always a nagging feeling inside my head, telling me that they're lying to me, they don't like hanging out with you, they don't like you at all.
I tried to push those thoughts deep down but they keep floating back into my mind. I didn't want to believe that, so i didn't.
Going into another year in highschool, last year, there was a fight between two of my closest friends, and ever since then I've always felt that our little group became strained. Overthinking caught up to me again, I always felt guilty that I didn't do anything back then.
So, I hung out with my other close friend, let's call them N. N and another friend of mine, let's call them K, were the ones who got angry on the other people in our group, so, the consequence ended up as them ditching the others, lying to them about not hanging out even if they were going to.
I was more closer to them so I hung out with them, meaning I had to lie. I had to lie about meeting up, I had to lie about what I really thought. I've never experienced dislike to any other person before those times. I felt dislike to my other friends, I don't remember if I was being genuine with those thoughts or I was just imitating N and K.
But things continued, and I was so confused I kinda just, pushed all of them away together.
I didn't trusted my own judgement anymore, so I didn't knew what to do. The only thing my mind thought was cool was pushing them away, which made me feel really fucking horrible.
So idk what to do, some advice would be nice. Being a teenager fucking sucks jeez
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Try to be honest with your friends about what you did and why, tell them you didn't like being caught in the middle and you didn't know what else to do but that you really miss your friendships and would like to fix things. If they are truly your friends they will understand, it might take a little bit for them to get over it though, and if not then you should look elsewhere for better friends. You should never sacrifice who you really are to appease other people, just be authentic, they will either appreciate it or they will move on but either way you will be better off.
ReplyTelling what you really felt would be much better. Don't hurt your inner self because of others. Deep down in you, I believe you know whats right and whats wrong. Indeed they are your friends but is it the way you want? Ask yourself. Would you be much better in ditching people like them.
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