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You don't know this but I've been having kind of hard time lately. I guess it's just another inevitable drop in life. I'll be back up eventually.
I was having a hard time even before quarantine was called, but having my routine pulled away makes everything so much worse. It's not even that bad, I think it's kind of nice, and without having to get up for 8 am classes I can actually get some sleep. But not having a set enforced routine leaves me with too much room to slip when my thoughts become too heavy. The routine, the constant swarm of people, as overwhelming as it can get, lifts me back up when I'm falling. So falling and not having that security blanket is kind of hard.
Today was the first time in over 6 months I put a knife to my wrist. I didn't do anything. My will power is stronger than the ever darkening thoughts, and I'm working hard to keep it that way. But it felt like it would only be a short time before looking, touching, day dreaming even, would become slicing deeper and deeper instead of crying myself to sleep.
I probably should have told you, but I didn't. I didn't because I never want to have to worry you. I didn't because you said you'd break up with me if I ever did anything again, and I didn't so anything but you'd consider it bad. I know you wouldn't act on that threat, it's your iladvised way of trying to keep me safe, even from myself. I didn't tell you because i hate admitting I'm not okay, especially after working so hard to be okay and for a while succeeding.
I had a bit to drink today. Got tired of you being the only one not so sober on pub quiz night, so thought I would change that. really helped me stop overthinking everything, but so did you. I can get two ways when I'm tipsy, or floaty as I call the phase between tipsy and sober, I can get really anxious , more so than my usual anxiety is which is already pretty bad, or if there is someone to make sure I remember to relax I get to be almost carefree for the first time and this kind of surreal happiness washes over me. You didn't know any of this as I always try to make sure you're not gonna do something stupid when you're drunk so I don't drink, how could you know what to do? Yet you found a way to make me feel so very safe, like I didn't have to worry about anything because you'd make sure it'll all be okay.
When I drink I can become happy, but never like this. This feeling, it's real, I was just finally not thinking too much to see it. You make me so very happy, truly, undeniably so. I finally feel content enough. I feel like I can actually sleep for the first time in a long time. You're the only person who can calm down my mind like that.
We spend a lot of time arguing, not really fighting just annoying each other for sport. It isn't mean, just funny, and the reactions pulled from one another can be so cute. But at the end of the day when we're too tired to even banter with each other, that's when I know that no matter what happens the impact you've made on my life could never be forgotten. It's on the lesser common nights when we end up having some deep moment that I know I'd be a fool if I were not to believe you when you tell me you love me.
Recently we've debated who loves each other more. I obviously think it's me. But it's on nights like this, when you say those little unforgettable things that undeniably express the truth in your everyday words that I wonder if maybe you're the one who's right. Yet how can that be when I honestly believe you might be the love of my life, a concept I don't even believe in, because I've never felt this type of pure, real, happiness before.
I honestly hope you never have a reason to take that away from me, I'd gladly spend eternity at your side sharing my life with you. However, if you do I hope it's because you found such pure happiness for yourself.
I've spend a long time telling myself it isn't true, and then some more questioning why and how. Yet it's almost remarkably undeniable how much I love you.
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