I'm so fucked up

I feel totally totally shit. Have you ever doubted yourself? It sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, where is my mind?

I wish to have somebody to speak to and just let it all out but the only person I have is the one who is my problem and I can't speak without hurting him. I don't know what I want, I don't know what's right or wrong anymore and I don't know what's real... And I am asking myself if it's possible a person can be really bad, I mean everything has a reason and behind every behavior is some kind of pattern that comes maybe from past experiences or whatever... People hurt each other mostly because they are hurt not because they are bad... I guess. Can someone look you in the eye and manipulate you knowingly and have zero empathy? Or am I just missing something to understand what's going on... I really just need to understand