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I just realized I had been raped by the father of my child long before I even got pregnant.
I was only 17 then, on my sophomore year in college and I had an affair with a married man 15 years my senior. I was naive and gullible and alone at that time so I guess the special attention he showed me reeled me in. I got too dependent on him and he made me believe that it was mutual on his end. The relationship lasted for 6 years but unofficially stretched to some 4 years more when he broke up with me for someone else. I was stupid enough to stay hooked on him even though i knew he was already seeing another girl. And then I got pregnant. That's when I finally decided to let go and stay away from him for the sake of my child.
The first rape happened when I was just 17 when he got me alone for the first time. I was innocent and didn't know any better. He forced himself to me even though I refused and fought back. He tried through the struggle but eventually didn't succeed. But he was apologetic afterwards and was sweet and caring to me that I didn't think of it as rape at that time. What's worse was that it led me to be more dependent and desperate to be with him. The following weeks were confusing because he distanced himself from me and told me to forget whatever happened between us. It only made me long for him more and felt guilty that I didn't completely let him do the deed to me. I somehow blamed myself for his sudden coldness and change of heart because I didn't satisfy his needs.
And so this led to 10 more years of mental, emotional, and sexual torture. I feel so stupid for allowing myself fall down into this horrible, deep, and dark pit. I feel ashamed as I know what i got myself into. I am not proud of it that's why i kept it to myself for so long. And somehow, I still didn't blame him but rather held my self responsible for whatever happened to me.
Fast forward to present time, I have managed to escape his emotional and mental torture chamber and am now raising my child on my own. We've never had that one big fight during break-up. I just calmly walked away without making a scene. He still remains in contact though, but only for the sake of our child. I let him do that because he is after all the father and he's trying anyway to be a father however he can. He is not a "bad" person, generally speaking. But there are nights when I still cry in bed, when i can't sleep or would feel anxiety-and depression-like symptoms. I feel empty, powerless and hopeless sometimes. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And there's pressure in me on how I will explain to my child why the father is physically absent in his life. I'm screwed.
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People who rape will rape again maybe even your child. You have to report it so if someone else is raped there is something on file to let others know he is capable.
People who rape are just as bad as a murderer. If they can step over that line they have a total disregard for human life period.
ReplyI feel like i should have reported it but that happened almost 15 years ago. And i always thought of myself as the willing victim. You are right. He can still do it and I fear it isn't impossible if he tries to do it with my child. I'm just glad we are thousands of miles away from him now.
ReplyA rape victim is never willing. You may have been afraid of what he could do to your life.
ReplyYes, at the time i was unwilling to the act. But later on, much later on, I gave in because I thought we were in a consensual relationship. I did love him and was emotionally attached to him and in the years that we were together I thought and felt he loved me, too. It is only now that I realized how he was able to manipulate and dominate over me all those years that I had to endure through all the emotional and mental trauma from the relationship. He never hurt me physically. But the scars in my heart and soul have never really gone away.
ReplyHe did hurt you physically. Rape is a physical act.
ReplyI guess. How can this happen that after all those years, it is only now that i see all the abuse i have experienced from him? I feel awful.
ReplyI am wishing that you and your kid could be happy and free. Speacially you. I know its not easy to just move on. But i do hope that youll have better days soon. You are not alone ♥️
ReplyThank you so much. That's the nicest thing I have heard today. Bless your kind heart. ♥️
Reply