My Unsent Letter

I still resent you. I don't know if I'll ever stop. I've gotten better though. I don't hate you. I don't hate you with a burning passion that consumes. I still don't like you. But that's understandable. I used to hate you. I used to burn up whenever I thought of you, I blamed you, I hated every molecule of you. I hated the thought of you. I hated everything. I hated the world, and I hated myself.

It's too easy to hate. But it hurts, and hating fixes nothing. Hatred fills your head until there's no room for anything else.

I don't hate you anymore. It's been years. So much has changed. We were kids. What you did was cruel, but we were kids. I can't blame you for everything. It's not fair. For so long I hated you. Through middle school I withered and hated. One day I saw you again. I just saw you, and heard your voice for the first time since elementary school. I didn't recognize your voice. Obviously, because it'd been years. Well that's when I realized I was hating something that didn't exist anymore. It'd been that many years, and I held such a large grudge. What was the point? Why did I waste my energy hating something that wasn't there? So I've decided to stop. I don't hate you.

I still resent you. I don't know if I'll ever stop. I don't like you. But I've gotten better. I don't hate you. And that was one step in feeling okay. One less hate. One by one I have to let go. One by one I have to recognize when I'm hating something that's not there. And I am okay.

I'm still afraid of getting stuck. I'm so afraid of getting stuck. Being in quarantine, same thing day after day, is challenging. It's easy to get stuck.

But I don't hate you anymore. And whatever happens, I'm not going back to last year. Last year me doesn't exist anymore. I can't hate her, because she's not there. I can't BE her, because she doesn't exist.

I just needed to tell you.