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Have you ever feel like you don't belong in yout own family? I always feel like that, and quarantine makes it even worse.
I don't like being at home, it gives me anxiety, and I can't be my self, and no one understand me, even my family, even my sister.
I never actually get along with them, I always fake my self so I don't have to deal with them nagging at me every time.
They always said I'm rude, so I imit the way I talk, they said I'm lazy but in truth I do tidy up my stuff while they don't see it. They keeps saying things that I don't even do, and mad at me when I try to explain to them that I'm not like what they think.
Also, none of them actually understand me. They keep forcing their ideas into my life which I don't want to do it. None of them actually ask how I am. They don't care.
I never felt like myself when I'm home. I always distance myself from them. It's easier that deal with them. I distract myself with gaming, work, etc. Anything that could distract me from them.
I feel more myself when I'm with my bestfriend. They understood me more and they never judge me or justifying things that I don't even do, or forcing ideas just like what my family did for me. Sometimes it saddened me that my family is so toxic at me. I'm lucky I have such amazing best friends.
I always feel like I want to get our from this house, as soon as possible. I can't deal with them for the rest of my life. They don't even understood my so why I have to deal with them?
Is it weird if I feel like this? I can't handle this for the rest of my life. I need to get out from here.
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Hey, this feeling is neither wrong nor weird because I am in your situation too. I've endured this for so long and after I graduate from university I'll get my chance to move abroad because you know what? Family is a structure, even our self, family does not come naturally or it is not an essential thing because nothing is essential. You choose who's you want to be with and true, why do you have to deal with people who don't care about you? You're forced to be there just because the name of family which is not the truth because not all family are a happy-to-go family right? When you have the chance to, you should go from them and limit yourself from contacting them.
ReplyI think everyone goes through this, to different extents and in different parts of life. My personal advice: find something creative to channel your energy into. Find a way to express yourself when others won't listen. Personally after I was depressed I got big into philosophy (it sounds boring but some of it is actually pretty cool) and some other arts. I also wrote poems. Reading them now I physically cringe but back then they helped me and having a goal of being a songwriter kinda helped me stay focused on things other than pain. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. I'm also sorry that I'm like 2 months late lol I don't know if you'll even see this. Just focus on cultivating a better life for yourself, even if those around you can't see it/don't understand it :)
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