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So the world is falling apart but my own personal world has been falling apart for longer now.
I've been with my schizophrenic partner for 2years July-ish and to be honest I don't know how much I can take.
I have known this man for a long long time and I knew what I was getting in to before we started things proper relationship wise. I thought as he is in his 40s has kids to ex girlfriends, regardless of his mental instability that he would be more mature and less selfish.
I was wrong.
Even on good days where he is basically pretty damn "normal" he is unbelievably selfish and completely manipulative. He works. So do I.
However I have felt like his slave for a long time. Asking him for help with anything when it comes to the usual household stuff... well I may as well not bother. He snarls at me for asking and goes in a huff and usually uses the excuse of "I've been to work today I just want to chill!" Gee thanks. I work too. (I actually work late nights too and he has your typical 9-5 job). Only once I am home I feel like I am still working as I have to run around doing everything. Including making him food all the time otherwise he huffs and puffs he is hungry and god forbid I don't make a cup of tea in the morning.
He has not once attempted to cook for me in return and only offers a cuppa if he has decided to make one for himself.
Anyway so much has happened while being with him. He introduced me to the world of drugs. I had no idea he even did them until i moved in with him! (Please note I don't do drugs. I tried things and that has been it). His drug taking has now meant I am also in debt. Paying his dealer off for him. Had to take a payday loan that I really can't afford.
Oddly enough when he does a bit cocaine his mental condition is actually non existent. It's like he is reasonable, actually nice and friendly as could be. I like him a lot when his head is completely quiet.
Normal days, wow anything can set him off in a rage. I don't fear he will hit me. Although part of me wishes he would as the mental abuse I have actually taken from him is breaking me. I know it is. I'm lost. I am on the verge of taking my own life as I feel i have nobody and that I am actually trapped. I want to leave but I really don't know how. I live hundreds of miles away from friends and family. And even then none of them actually have a spare bed or sofa I could use. Also I like the city I live and and coronavirus rubbish aside I love my job. My workmates can't help either. I won't lie. I struggle so so hard to make friends. I have my own anxiety issues and to be honest everyone including me thinks I'm probably on the austism spectrum although I have never been diagnosed. I try hard to be likeable and make friends even at work but I feel like they're still just acqaintances. I don't know or understand what it is that I do wrong.
I feel like i should let you know a few things he has done that... well i know are not on but for some unknown reason I have stuck around...
So he had an abscess for about a week. God knows how many times i told him to make an emergency appointment. He kept saying no. Anyway I made an appointment for him which he then didn't bother with just decided to keep whining about pain and the 'poison' in his mouth. Anyway he wakes up one night hurting from the abscess, is angry and I try to help, ask what he needs. He screams at me his pain is my fault and I've not tried helping him with it which is conpletely untrue and he starts heaving like he is gonna be sick. I say please don't be sick on the bed try and get to the bathroom. I am met with more screams. "Fuck your bedsheets!" And he actually starts spitting on them. His temper and the way he began shouting at me when I'm trying to be nice was... well heartbreaking. The way he was with me that night I cried myself to sleep. Wasn't the first time either. That was one episode in short.
I feel like it would be easier to list things as bullet points. Meh shall try.
● manipulates me.
● i have let him basically rape me for fear of him having an episode and actually having a screaming fit at me. (He thinks sex gives him a focus and shuts the voices up).
● he stopped me having a best friend.
● he has taken money without permission.
● he screamed abuse at me for not buying him good enough christmas presents and said i had ruined the entire day.
● I am actually not allowed to be ill. His schizophrenia outweighs anything else physically or mentally.
(I had lost 2 stone a christmas ago, had 2 infections and had to go to hospital. He didn't care. I had to still do EVERYTHING.
● he messages other girls for pictures. Apologised but doesn't actually care it hurt me.
● I got accidentally pregnant and he made me have an abortion.
I dunno... I am missing a lot. The verbal abuse. Holy crap he is a bully. I told him he was a bully and he changed for a little while. Didn't last long.
Anyway I need to wrap this up as he is messaging asking why I am taking so long in the toilet. I just need to get some of this off my chest.
I want to leave but I am so afraid to.
I have never had to live on my own. I have never had to deal with bills on my own either and honestly i want to learn. But i am afraid if i leave he will find me. Or have someone find me. He knows a lot of dodgy people. I even thought he got someone to bur my exes car out...
Sorry it's a long read. I just need someone to know the truth. I have been pretending things are okay for so long and they never have been.
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You are afraid to leave. You should be more afraid to stay. This man sounds like he is possessed! Even if your friends and family have no spare beds or sofas they must have floors. Sleeping on a floor would be better than being with him. Maybe you have told them what he is like and they are too scared to put you up in case he finds you. If you are in the USA I have heard that with this virus the homeless have been put into some sort of shelters. Perhaps you can find out where and move in with them. I doubt you want to live in the streets. Try charities for shelter. You are best to move to another state. Don't tell anyone where you are going so that this man can't go after you. If you can get away with this virus going do so. Wait until this man is asleep, pack a bag, and head for the bus station and move right away even if you come back to this state in a few months. If he doesn't know where any of your friends and family are go there. Why can't you sleep on a sofa? Whatever you do don't wait much longer. Just go!
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