My Unsent Letter

Hi M,

22/04/20

It's been over a month you didn't text, called, or anything. I am eagerly waiting for you M, I promise I'll never do things which you don't like, I'll be my best, I'll be never a headache for you, please come back and talk to me the way we used to at least. Because of this Pendamic, as I stated in the last letters, came some peace and relax in my life, and GOD did it for me at a very right point of time but everything has a price. I didn't tell anyone but when I came back at Home on 22 March, it was the first day of Lockdown and  I came early morning before it starts so I booked a cab and roads were totally empty so the driver was deriving very fast and in between one animal came and to save it he lost control and I got injured, he had his seat belt on but I didn't. My shoulder got dislocated, one leg got injured and at the back. I'm Locked down not due to Lockdown but because of this. Still, this Physical pain, believe me, way better than that one. Now I can walk a little bit.

24/04/20

I lied to a girl who loved me after her heart got broken and you have seen her in that situation more than me and you cried for her too but I again established her faith in Love after heartbreak with a lie that I love her and if she finds this, she can go in bigger depression from which I have pulled her out. This, You don't deserve M. Therefore, I never ever want to let her know this by any means or for any reason or by anyone.

28/04/20

Thank You for coming in life. I never thought that one can enjoy and feel so much happier doing things not for themselves or family but for someone they love but you made me experience that. Only God, my friends and somewhat my roommate knows how passionate I was for you, for everything I do for you, how impatiently I wait to meet you whenever we had any plans. The day I talk to you and see or listen you smile, it makes my day that's why I used to call you almost every night with any excuse and we talk because after that I sleep very peacefully but sometimes my bad luck that you talk to your family and after that, you go to bed so when I would get chance to talk. I had so many ugly fights with G(A's Ex-BF) but it was never a headache for me because one nice talk with you make me forget every pain and stress. Your one smile for me is enough to make my day! You're like a beautiful dream which will never be fulfilled.

But one mistake I did is that I gave you my heart but unknowingly I started expecting your heart in exchange, Sorry M. When we talked so much shared so many stories and time, I became greedy and thought I can get you forever. There I made a mistake and lost your friendship too. A quote I remember, "it's not poision you consume if you see it. It's not love if you think before you do it. You should give your heart and seek her heart in exchange, it's not love if you feel greedy." When I saw you first, somewhere in my heart, I felt so good and never imagined that I will be the guy in campus with whom you be most closed and maybe when I became that guy I became greedy and could not tolerate that another guy to take this away from me and there all the problems have started and led till here, a painful end.

One more thing I want to admit is that when I was texting you the day we planned to go IITH for a Show and you already tired and I texted that your new friend thing, my hands were shivering while texting that because I know your anger and I knew this can change so many things between us (but things has changed from the beginning of the semester itself), and when I called you the second time to fight while in IITH, I actually came out to call you from the middle of the show because I couldn't enjoy those jokes because only you were in my mind that why you were doing this. I went out and called, even my friend suggested me not to call you to argue and he said after some time you both will be alright but I couldn't hold it. I don't know yr I'm so impatient, especially if it's related to you, but I went out and while fighting with you on phone I was not able to speak properly because the things I wanted to say and said, I knew those will take you farther away from me and it definitely did, actually it cost me you. And for this, I couldn't even cry enough because somewhere in me, a part of me didn't let me cry but without tears, my heart cries every god damn day that why I argued, why I tried to stop you from eating those things, why I stopped you looking at others even I couldn't take those things but see eventually what happened, I end up losing you.

29/03/20

I'm sorry if there is some misunderstanding and has distance created between you and S, I am sorry I have never uttered a word against you to her believe me. I never intended to happen this too but I didn't have the courage to face her questions regarding you or clarify that what I feel for you. Yeah, I open our chats and wait for your reply every day and today when I opened you were online and I couldn't stop and started typing a sorry but I think you saw me typing and you told this to S and she asked me but I said NO, how I could admit this to her, she will feel so bad and I could lose her too. But when you tell these little backbiting kinds of things to her I get hurt yr why you doing this after all this, please give it a try and understand that I might be madly in love with you. Do you remember one day when we were talking if you want to send her away, H your sis, away to study at a better place and you said no because you care for her a lot and I said, Detachment is the key to success, I don't know if it's true yr but for me, it very hard to detach with you even I have GF now lots of friends my family apart from all this when I'm alone only you bother me in mind I still can't focus. I left you and didn't bother you again because I love you and I want you to smile always which I think, with me, you would not. You are my love not want. I shall never forget this year 2020 because it took you away from me.