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I thought about what you told me last night and I want to share something with you that I haven't told you.
I dissociate when I'm upset or overwhelmed. I don't feel like I'm in my body, I block out my surroundings. I can no longer hear the people around me. I don't really see anything either. It's like my brain shuts down and my body goes on auto pilot.
My mood doesn't really have anything to do with it. I could be having a great time. I could be swimming in my mamaw and papaws pool with my siblings or at a party with friends. I could be watching a movie and just chilling.
It mostly happens in lecture classes, now. I get overwhelmed by the amount of information I need to consume and then I'm gone. It's something I've been working on for a while. It's hard to stay present in a situation with a lot of pressure.
It's why I have a hard time remembering things. It's how my anxiety functions. It's my defense mechanism. When I am overwhelmed or upset, I leave. It's not on purpose and I can't just turn it on. It's a default for me in stressful or tough situations. I don't remember 90% of my shifts at the restaurant I worked at. I don't actually remember any musical or play I've been in. I know that it happened but I couldn't give you any details of the performances other than what I can gather from photos or videos of it. I don't remember graduation. Walking across the stage. I really don't remember much at all from my sophomore year of high school until around halfway through my senior year of high school. This was when my parents decided to separate. It bothers me less now than it did then, but it's still something I think about sometimes. I remember small events every here and there. Maybe two or three for the whole duration. It was a really tough time in my life.
After my family situation calmed down, I started seeing a therapist. She diagnosed me with anxiety disorder and OCD tendencies. I was able to assess my feelings and I learned how to identify triggers. I decided I didn't want to miss out anymore. I want to live my life and remember living it. I'll never get that time back and I don't want to lose anymore.
Since then I've done my best to dive head first into every opportunity I've been given. I push myself to do new things and I've been able to stay present for a lot. I remember going to get coffee with you. I remember the first time you kissed me. I remember the first time you touched me and the first time I touched you. I remember you. It's one of the reasons I like being around you so much. I feel grounded with you. I don't know what it is about you but you make me feel safe.
I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I'll be here for you. We could break up tomorrow and I would still be there for you. When I care about somebody, I do so fiercely. My support is not contingent on our relationship.
Communication is the most important thing you can give me. Telling me how you feel. I know it's hard, especially when you don't even know what you're feeling. I have a very hard time expressing my feelings and I understand if it's hard for you too. I want you to know that I hear you. When you feel what you were talking about last night, I want you to know that you can tell me. I want you to know that I won't be upset or disappointed with you if you want to stop. I would rather know that you are okay. I'm glad you told me last night.
I'm still excited to see you on the 24th. I really miss you a lot. And I'm excited to spend time with you and laugh with you. I hope you know this already, but I do like you for more than your body. I like dating you and learning about who you are, what kind of music you listen to, what kind of colors you see the world in.
tl;dr I want to support you. I care about you and I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything.
To the folks on novni: how does this sounds? Does it sound clingy or anything? Should I change anything? I want him to know that i care about him.
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I think it sounds fine. Like you said communication is important, and that's what you are doing with this letter, communicating. 👌🏼
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