depression

I'm so tired of feeling this way. Little things keep triggering intense sadness that lasts for hours. I can't do anything when I feel this way. I am not productive when I feel this way. I am overwhelmed with sadness. I feel it through my body; in my arms, hands, fingers, and chest. Tears fall from my eyes. I do have depression. It is normally well managed with medication, but not so much in the last week or two. I suppose it is a build up of obligations that I feel overwhelmed by and so it does not take much to make me start feeling defeated. I feel like I am not able to be my best self because I do not have enough time, energy, motivation, or whatever it is that I need.

I miss my mom so much. She died when I was 17 and was my best friend. I long for her hugs and advice when I feel this way. I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.

I am having negative thoughts about my body image. I wish I was skinnier or had the energy and time and dedication to stick to a healthy diet in the long-term. I can only seem to last a few months before abandoning a diet. I have found that if I try to be more lenient, say, give myself a treat once a week, it literally causes me to gain back ALL the weight I lost that week. So I feel like my efforts are futile unless I stick strictly to a diet. But that is not really feasible for long-term health.

I am also trying to be a parent for my daughter who is 10, but I don't have the energy to give her what she deserves. I feel like a failure of a parent. It takes all my energy just to get her to do any school work and it leaves me exhausted to the point where I can't even manage to make dinner. So I have stopped forcing her to do school work, but I told her that if she chooses to do it I am there to help her if she needs. She doesn't usually choose to do it...

I usually visit my dad every weekend, but with the shelter-in-place order I haven't gone in months. I got tested for covid and was negative, so I came to my dad's late last night to stay the night. Today I was looking forward to chatting with him and watching a show (The Magicians) that he had been recording for me, but with the way I feel right now, I don't want to be around anyone I just want to curl up and escape. I wish I could retreat to somewhere away from all my responsibilities and obligations and just sleep for several days.

Honestly, it is a good thing I do not know anyone with access to opiates, because I would love to just feel better instantly. I used to use uppers when I was younger and was addicted for 8 years. I have been clean 7 years now, and I don't plan on ever being where I was. Being chained to a substance is horrible, so I won't be going to drugs again. I am just tired of feeling this way. If there was a pill to make me feel good that didn't lead to addiction or have any negative consequences, I would love to have it.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so I will talk to her about everything. Writing does help though. I was crying at the beginning of this and now I am not. So there is that.