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My name is A or was A and my story took a change at the age of 15 well maybe it started a little before that but 15 is when I just gave up. I became a new me. A new person. I know that sounds weird and you may ask how or why did I change but it's not like I had choice. I'm not gonna bore you with my life before my mom passed away. Wait. I forgot to say that my mom did pass away in February of 2020. Well I basically killed her myself. She only got sick after she had me. Even though it wasn't like as soon as I was born but it's not like she planned to have me just like she didn't plan to have lupus. You know if you made this far into my story, does that mean you care? I mean you're still reading this right? Maybe not cause no one ever cares or know how I truly feel. I put on a mask every time I make eye contact with another person. I try to keep what's inside well, inside. Tonight I had a breakdown while showering basically confessing how I don't love myself at least not anymore.
It's hard to be myself when I don't even know who that is. Everyone around me thinks of me in a way I don't see myself but they all have an opinion in mind which I agree with.
I'm fat or I have a little more weight than the average 15 year olds and everyone can't wait to shove that fact down my throat. Well they don't word like that, they just straight up say stuff like "you're too big" and "you should stop eating". Even my own mother would say these a lot and I would cry myself to sleep. But besides that point I hear them. I hear all the voices giving opinions on my body. The body I hate so much I could kill myself. And trust me I've tried but don't worry if I ever go through with it I'll write about how "I'm sorry blah blah blah". You know the usual suicide notes. I tried starving myself a couple times (kinda still doin it but hey... no one cares or even knows) Where was I again.... Oh yeah I hate me. I don't love me and I don't think I've ever loved myself. I might've said it but never meant it hahaha... weird. I'm just an unhappy child who can't bear to tell anyone in my life how I'm dying inside.
Well that's it for now
If you want a power detailed explanation of my life I have all the details ready to share. It's crazier than you'd think (talking about rape by a family member and you'd never guess who or should I say them)
XO XO...A
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I'm very sorry these things happened to you. You may think that people don’t care about you but trust me, trust me, they do. I’m 17, and I just recently learned about this and just the starting. There are always gonna be rude people, people who are insecure about themselves and will release their anger and hatred on others. Remember that you are beautiful, you don't need to be this ”skinny, small waist, hourglass model” or have six-packs. It’s okay! You’re still valid, you still deserve love and affection, and whoever says otherwise can screw themselves. Please don’t blame yourself either, don’t blame yourself for the things that happen which aren’t your fault. You’re doing good sweetheart, really. The fact that you can actually acknowledge what you're feeling is something that most people can't even do. Trust me, there are times that even after you ”love yourself” where you're going to be sad and upset. It's gonna take a long time to love yourself, there's gonna be ups and downs. Just take baby steps, you're gonna be okay. You're doing great honey, keep going, don't mind the haters! You're doing great, I believe in you!
ReplyI remember this feeling very well. And I too went through much of what you have briefly skimmed over. I am now 30yrs old. I can tell you that I am living proof you can get through this. But im also going to be honest and say it hasn't been easy. You have to keep fighting your thoughts on a daily basis to protect yourself and keep yourself alive. If you haven't done so already (and you're in a country where you are able to) I'd give your doctor a little visit to talk about how you're feeling. The medications I had from age 15 helped ease the pressure a bit and helped me see my situation a little clearer so I could find solutions. They don't take the pain away, but they did help... I'm hoping this is an option for you.
As for your last statement, I'm willing to listen to whatever you want to talk about in these comments/posts.
I hope I have given you even a little hope that you can have a future that's better than life is for you right now xx
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