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So, my horrible journey started when I was about 3-4 years old. I remember my parents fighting over me. All I recall is them arguing, getting told to go upstairs (My mother, aunt, and I lived with my mom-mom at the time), and the police told my mother that she was not allowed to have her baseball bat back. I remember all of the long, long doctor visits that we had. As many times as I've been in that office, I could never describe what the back looked like. I can recall the corner store called cedars and line-dancing. To be completely honest, I don't think I could ever say a time in my life that I wasn't struggling from the inside. I had a friend growing up (She was a next-door neighbor). I can't remember her name but this is surely where my parents made their first mistake out of many in raising me. We're just going to call her Monse. Well, Monse was very advanced for me. I remember a time that I loved riding my bike, we loved riding our bikes together. Since I was so young I was set limits about how far I could go with my bike, which was of course stricter limits than what she had. I wasn't allowed to go past the corner. Welp, one-day Monse wanted to go way farther than the corner; she wanted to go all the way on the highway. And me being my defiant self, I eventually followed her. I knew it was wrong which is exactly why when we first hit the highway I turned myself right back around. It doesn't defeat the fact that I went, but it shows that I knew it was wrong. I'm guessing that all the teachings about "peer pressure" that we get told about in school is a real thing. Anyway, yes this is an example of how far ahead she was. I was told over and over again that I was not allowed over her house, but I wish I knew why. My older sisters were allowed, and when I was with them we'd go over there. But my parents wanted me to stay far away from her house. One day I was outside playing with Monse and I went into her house to grab a glass of water. Her grandfather was there so I asked him for the water. He told me that if I kissed him (on the lips) that he would give me the water. My dumb self did it. And sure enough, I got the water. I went back outside and told Monse what happened. She told me she didn't believe me. She kinda banished me. We didn't hang out much after that happened. I knew that I wasn't supposed to be in the house in the first place so I never told anyone about it. But little did I know that that was one the first crime to be committed in New Jersey. The next horrifying thing that happened to me, has to do with my sisters. My young naive self thought I could trust them. I used to help them sneak in the house at night, hide stupid things also. Tatiana and Iesha. Those two did horrible things to me. I remember getting called in the bathroom, by both of them. I remember getting told to "eat out" Iesha. Of course, I did it. Little me didn't know how to stop it. Tatiana knew about it but instead, she just watched. Now I definitely can't tell anyone about it (except my aunt, who I eventually told after many years). They must think I don't remember but I do. Sometimes I wonder that I only say I like females because of all that's happened to me. I can see myself being married to a male, nothing more; but having "fun" with a female. My go-to is male no matter what. So now by the age of 6 or 7, I have dealt with a predatory grandpa and rape from my siblings. And you better bet that it doesn't stop there. I was about 7 when I was staying over my aunt Rena's house. She has many people over but it was this girl. I forget her name but maybe it was Jasmine. Not my sister Jasmine but another person. She thought that it was okay to watch porn while she was watching me. She of course told me to keep quiet but I surely didn't do that. I told Rena what happened and what we were watching and I've never seen that girl again. I know she for sure got in huge trouble. It still doesn't diminish what I saw. And remember that was only at the max-age of 7. There is much more I can tell you that happened in New Jersey but they didn't affect me as much as the 3 things I've said. Fast forward to when we leave new jersey. The party is just getting started. I was 7 when we left. I had made friends and it was easy-going. I had 2 suicidal friends so I was exposed to that early also. I've seen the cuts on their arms, and I told myself that I'd never be like them. I was going through my lying stage in life so it was easy for no one. My mother is someone that is going to be said a ton in this part of my life. Let's say all the things my mother has done to me and then I'll explain it all. She has threatened to send me away, she has told all information I have given her to my father (which is wrong because as mother and daughter I'd like if I could tell you things without me worrying if I can trust you with what I tell you. and the answer is and has always been no.). My parents know about the kissing grandpa thing. You want to know why? Because after all these years I eventually got up enough courage to speak about it. And still, to this day, she talks about it like it's my fault. It's my fault that I didn't say anything back then. It's my fault that I let it happen. It's my fault that I went inside the house. But surely you'll see that it being "my fault" is a recurring thing in everything that happens, you'll also see why I cry when I get too worked up, you'll see why I'm writing this, and you'll see why it takes me years to come clean.
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Hey, I'm sorry that you had to go through those things. But, I totally understand what've you been through. One of my relatives did something to me, touching me when I was a kid. When I was sleeping, he would take my hand and guide them to his private part. I was traumatized and I cried. I couldn't tell my parents because I know they wouldn't believe me. My parents argue a lot. I couldn't trust them until now. I keep everything to myself. After 8 years, I confront my relative, I gathered up my courage to speak up and he apologizes and he explained why he did what he did to me. I'm still having a hard time forgiving him. but, mostly I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself because I let it happen. But, don't blame yourself too much. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
It's normal for a kid to "froze" or let traumatizing things get in the way, you were scared and unsafe. I'm glad you wrote this because writing helps a lot to express your story and emotions. Take this as a lesson for you to be a better person. Believe that even though you have such a horrible journey, you can still make a better future of your own. They can say whatever they want to but you're the one who faced those stuff. You know your truth and stand up for it.
I hope you will get through this. Take your time, it's okay to be vulnerable. Don't let your past haunt you for too long.
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