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Dear Mother,
I want you to know that I am not angry with you. I am so deeply hurt by the things that you did. It hurt to know that after me you had another baby girl but you got to keep her because you were finally able to get clean.
It hurt to know that she got the love I didn't. That she got the family I didn't. She lived the life I wanted.
Sometimes I wonder why no one wanted me. Sometimes I wish you had never had me.
I wanted to say all these things to you when I found you after 18 years. I wanted to make you and my half sister as miserable as I was. I was consumed with rage and jealousy when I saw you had a new family and had forgotten me.
But I couldn't do it. I just let you be. Because I wouldn't ruin her life and her happiness. I know how it feels to be unhappy.
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The amount of strength it took to be as brave as you were then and still are now is inspirational. I probably wouldn't be typing if I had to go through what you did.
I'm sorry about what happened and the childhood you never got. I wish I could change that yet all I can do is type. I know you have healing to do still because you dont just get over that. I hope you were at least able to let her know. She owes it to you to understand what her choices lead to. At the same time I get that, it's the kind of thing you dont wish on anyone. Even so, you deserve some closure. Maybe not making them unhappy, but making her understand.
I dont know what to say. You're such a strong person. Theres a life out there for you full of happiness. I hope you know you deserve that happiness. I'd say stay strong but you already proved you're stronger than me.
ReplyThank you. It's hard because, contrary to what many people say to me, my childhood has definitely left lasting damage. It's hard not to be bitter and spiteful but I am trying.
ReplyYou're trauma is valid, no matter what others say. I'm glad you're being the bigger person when it's so easy to be bitter. You're awesome!
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