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Ugh, I cannot believe I let myself get into this position again.
Little back story - I met this guy back in 2013 on MeetMe, he was new to the area and we were both looking for friends. In our mission of becoming friends, we fell in love. Typical, right? Well, we never did anything that couples do. We never went on a date, we never met each others families, we didn't even hang out too much. Just a lot of texts. Not even phone calls. I think, at the time, I was more in love with the feelings I had as opposed to loving him; That's obvious now. We did hang out a few times and things were always really quick, we'd always hang out for about an hour or less every time. I was young, I didn't really understand what it meant to be in a relationship. At the time I had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship so it was nice to have someone that wasn't around all the time but would still make me feel good, if that makes sense. Anyways. He totally ghosted me after about 6 months of constant talking. In the time that he ghosted me, I met my soulmate. We are married now and about to celebrate our 4 year anniversary (now, this is going to be kind of controversial and I understand that. Please don't judge, just take it for what it is...). The day before I got married I got a text message from a number I didn't recognize. It was my Ex. We will call him B so that things don't get confusing. Anyways, B texted me and was telling me that he wanted to be friends and that he is sorry for ghosting me the way he did. He said he had reasons to do what he did and although I will never forget what he did, I did forgive him. So we start talking again and we start to become close again. He 100% respected my marriage and didn't want to take away from that. He respected the fact that, at the time, all I wanted was to be friends with him. We became best friends, like we had intended from the start. I felt comfortable and safe talking to him. When I just needed someone to vent to, he was always there. Again, no phone calls, just texts. But it was non-stop. My husband knew what was going on, there was zero deception and absolutely nothing funny happening between B and I. About a year into mine and my husbands marriage, we agreed to having an open relationship. I grew up seeing polyamorous relationships so it isn't anything unknown to me. It was something I was involved in when I was younger and I know how they work, of course each polycule is different, but I understand the basis of a polyamorous relationship. My husband and I agree to this and we make some rules and boundaries. I explained to B the whole situation and he thought it was a great idea, as long as I was respected in all my relationships, he said he would support it. And that's when things started to heat up with us again. We started snapchatting everyday and texting even more than we were before. Eventually he and I decided to give our relationship another go. In the beginning things were great. We slowly fell for each other and we got to sort of feel like a real couple. Now, if I hadn't met this man in the flesh, I would think he is a catfish. His MeetMe profile had one name which I thought was his name. But when he texted me the day before my wedding, he said it was a different name. When I mentioned that I didnt know anyone by that name, he said "Oh, its ----". Fast forward about a year ago, I asked him what his name really was and he said "Its -----, but I go by -----. But legally its -----." which were all different than the name on MeetMe AND the name he said it was when he texted me... He doesn't have Facebook or Instagram. Literally only Snapchat and a phone number. Which seems fishy to me but, I still don't think I know his real name so I have no way of checking anything? Anyways, we are still dating now 3 years later. We still don't see each other often, maybe once or twice a month because of how much he works. When we do see each other its only for less than an hour, just like it was before. Now, though, he has a new pattern that I absolutely hate and has me on the brink of a meltdown. We just hung out a few days ago, on Friday. It is now Wednesday and I haven't heard of him... at all. I have texted him, I called him and sent him messages on Snapchat. I know he is getting my messages because Snapchat tells you when a message or snap has been opened, and when they opened it. If I post on my story, He is always one of the first 5 to see it. He is actively ignoring me! He does this every time we hangout. We hangout, we leave to go to work, he ignores me for about a week or two, we decide on a day to hang out and then the cycle starts again! Now, normally this doesn't get too much under my skin. I get life gets busy and I don't want to feel like I'm blowing his phone up or bothering him. So yeah, I have just gotten used to the cycle and accepted it for what it was. But recently, when we talk, he has been saying he wants this to be a more real and stable relationship. I agreed, I told him I'd love for him to spend the night some time or spend like, more than an hour with me. I'd love for him to meet my family or to be more involved in my life. They way he has been talking and acting shows and says that he wants the same thing. I was so happy. We even seen each other 3 times last week, Friday was the last day we hung out. And now he is ignoring me and it's driving me crazy! I let myself be vulnerable with him in a way I had never been with him before. I thought we were on the same track? I thought we wanted the same thing? I'm afraid to bring anything up over text because 1 - He's not even responding as it is and 2 - he is quick to block me if something upsets him. I am so invested in him that I don't know how I will emotionally handle him blocking me completely.
Look, I know this isn't healthy. I know that the easy answer is to break up and dump his ass. But I don't believe in giving up on something that I feel so passionately about. I love this man. I know that I love him, not just his words. My world lights up when I see him. My spirits are lifted and are just all around better when I see him. I know this is love because I feel the same (relatively speaking) about my husband. But I don't know what to do to make this work. I know that at some point I have to walk away for my own sake but good lord, this man has a hold on me like none other. I want to break up with him. I want to walk away and be free from this horrible cycle that I am in every single time he is around. I want to be able to feel good more days than not in a relationship. I want to feel the same love from someone that I feel FOR someone. As much as I want to walk away, I cant; I cant leave him knowing that my heart is so invested in him. I just don't even know what to do or how to feel at this point. I have to sit and wait for him to reach out to me, and when he does I have to act like everything is normal and plan a day to meet up. When we are face to face, that's when I can talk to him about all of this. Because god knows that if I bring it up over text, he is going to block me. And I want to be able to say my piece to his face so he sees how hurt I am. You can't convey this type of emotion thought text. I deserve more -better- I know that.
Rant over. I just needed somewhere to get it out and off my chest. even though its thrown me into a full on anxiety attack. I'm sure it'll feel better soon. For now, I'll continue to listen to Wicked Games by Kiana Lede, because it perfectly describes my shitty situation.
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I read your entire Text...and it may be that I'm wrong...but it seems that treating you that way is his purpose to keep you entertained and fascinated by him. He doesn't sound like a healthy type of guy and I know sometimes you just feel something for a person and you just can't ignore it...but that guy seems no good for your anxiety honey ^ ^
Of course you need to know what's best for you and what you want to do and what not, but if you say you feel something for a guy your don't even really know his name, and you are basically waiting everytime to get blocked when you open up about something...then that's really not something you should tolerate, he doesn't really seem to respect you.
Feelings come and go, and although it might hurt a lot, you should try to consider someone that you can 100% be clear about your feelings with and that shows you how much you are loved 💕
ReplyI do feel like it is a way to entertain himself for whatever reason, and I agree with what you're saying. Its hard to see it when you're in it, you know? It has been helpful to get others input, especially from people who don't personally know me.
Quick update, after posting this long-winded rant, I messaged him and told him that I needed to talk to him. I went to his house and, for the first time, got to go inside. He lives with his sisters and mom so it was kinda weird. We talked in his living room for about 2 hours. Well, I talked mostly and he listened. I told him how I feel disrespected and how I don't appreciate how he has acted. I like, word vomited to him about everything. And he apologized, and said everything he needed to say and said the things he has had on his mind. I didn't forgive him. I told him he needs to prove that he is sorry and that I can't be in a relationship with him unless he proves that his actions are reflective of what he is saying. I left that night and we had broken up. He has been texting me and calling me. I don't always respond, I only respond when I feel like I need or when its convient for me. He isn't my boyfriend, I don't owe him a response. He has sent me some flowers and has been planning a day where we can hang out at a park or something to try and work on us. I agreed to doing something with him but I made it very clear that we are nothing more than friends and if he doesn't respect that than I am not willing to work with or talk to him. But I am dying inside. I have cried every hour since we broke up. I feel dead. But I know that it'll pass. And I need to take care of myself. I ready these replies before I went to see him, and I want you to know that your kindness in your reply gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. So thank you.
ReplyI'm glad i would give you another opinion to your Situation...i know that Feeling, i know you don't see it when you're in it but only when you take some steps back and watch everything from afar, from another perspective...and I can understand that it hurts...but if he doesn't respect your opinion on just keep being friends then he won't respect you as a boyfriend neither...if you know what I mean.
Stay strong! ^ ^
ReplyI Say Drop Him. He Doesn't Seem To Respect Your Feelings. Learn That When You're Forgiving A Dude T Say Something Like "I Forgive You, But You Need To Know That Wasn't Okay." If You Just Say " That's Okay," Or Whatever Typically The Dude Does The Same Thing Over And Over Again. Knowing That You're Going To Forgive Him. You Deserve More Than That. Also Don't Forgive Too Easily. My Now Boyfriend Wanted To Get Back Together, After Our Split For Over A Year And Thought, KaBoom We're Back. Nah. I Made Him Suffer The Way I Did A Bit. No Touching (By That I Mean No Hugging And Stuff) No Kissing, Not Even Holding Hands. I Don't Play. He Said, " I'm Sorry For Hurting You The Way I Did," Even Though It Wasn't That Big Of A Deal, But Still Hurt. I Said, " Yah You Really Did Hurt Me." So A Week Later We're Back. But This Isn't About Me Just Wanted To Show You I Relate A Bit. Respect Yourself And Don't Let Things Slide.
ReplyThank you for your reply, I appreciate it. As stated in another reply, I did go and talk to him. We broke up and I told him that I will not be with him if he cant respect and me and the relationship he and I have. He has been calling and texting and I only reply when I want to. I don't feel compelled to reply. He's not my boyfriend anymore and I don't owe him any extra time than he already got from me. He has sent me flowers, I thanked him but it was a simple thank you and I didn't say anything more. He is planning a day with me to go to the park and hang out. I agreed to it as long as he understands that there will be nothing more than talking and hanging out. No physical touching, no flirting, nothing like that. He has to prove to me that he is worth my time. And until he does, I have nothing for him. I finally got to go into his house when we talked the other night and I explained to him that I don't want to be with him until I am ready and if that doesn't happen, he only has himself to blame. It's killing me though because like, I do have feelings for him but I am taking care of me right now.
Thank you for saying what you did. I appreciate it and it gave me some courage to be able to do what I did and say what I did.
ReplyNo Problem. Take Care Of Yourself. Find Your Self Worth. I'm Rooting For You!
ReplyThank you for your reply, I appreciate it. As stated in another reply, I did go and talk to him. We broke up and I told him that I will not be with him if he cant respect and me and the relationship he and I have. He has been calling and texting and I only reply when I want to. I don't feel compelled to reply. He's not my boyfriend anymore and I don't owe him any extra time than he already got from me. He has sent me flowers, I thanked him but it was a simple thank you and I didn't say anything more. He is planning a day with me to go to the park and hang out. I agreed to it as long as he understands that there will be nothing more than talking and hanging out. No physical touching, no flirting, nothing like that. He has to prove to me that he is worth my time. And until he does, I have nothing for him. I finally got to go into his house when we talked the other night and I explained to him that I don't want to be with him until I am ready and if that doesn't happen, he only has himself to blame. It's killing me though because like, I do have feelings for him but I am taking care of me right now.
Thank you for saying what you did. I appreciate it and it gave me some courage to be able to do what I did and say what I did.
ReplyYeah sounds like he's just using you for whatever his reasons are. He probably has a wife and kids who know nothing of this. Don't feel like you're special to him because you're not if he doesn't respect you or your feelings. Plus if he got you pregnant... disaster.
ReplyThank god for Birth control and condoms! haha. Thank you for your reply <3
ReplyAlso, I know he isn't married, He lives with his mom and sisters, who I just met the other night when I talked to him. I know they heard our conversation and while we were talking his mom was really upset and apologized to me for his actions. She gave me her number and has texted me a couple times asking me if there is anything I needed. She gave me a lot of information that I was missing/not getting from him. I know his real name, lol. Which is the first name he told me, but not the one that was on his profile online. He just goes by a million different names for god knows what reasons. She is supporting me which is weird to me because I had never met her before the other night. But its also reassuring. I, obviously, don't tell her much because I know whatever I say is going to be repeated to him. And I know that anything he says to her about me, she is telling me. But I am not willing to be with him right now, regardless of what he is telling me or sending me.
Reply