Triggers.

We all had our triggers at some point in our life, and when I'd say triggers, these are the things that made us feel anxious, stressed, or even making us cry our hearts out for the whole night.. and this would be likely my story.

I grew up watching how my father treated my mother. Ever since I was a child, I knew that my father was having an affair with another woman, and all of us in the family knows that up until we just get used to it and get along with it. Me, being the youngest in the family had no choice but to live with it throughout my life, my siblings had their own families already so they are not living at our house anymore. I'm always the one that is with my mother every day, going somewhere such as groceries or what, doing errands that my father couldn't. There is one time, we went to a store and as we were going on our way home, my mother and I suddenly bumped with the mistress of my father. I saw how that woman attacked my mother and saying nasty things out of nowhere, changing of harmful words to each other, she kept on going on our way wanting to hurt my mother physically but luckily she couldn't. Ever since that night, I realized how I hated my father, how disgusted I am with everything he does to our family especially with my mother. Their fights became my nightmares. Hearing them cursing to each other, fighting about the affair, and seeing my father almost hit my mother with his hands while I'm sitting at the stairs watching them.

Every scenario with their fights since I was a child, up until now that I am 23 years of age still pops up on my mind every time. I grew up hating my father, not caring about his feelings and such. Maybe because every time I try to set aside my resentful feelings with him, he would always show that he never changes, nothing changes, and those things are still continuous. I always believed that my trust and other issues started with my father. The issues I had with my personality now, rooted in the hatred I felt since I was a kid. I can't get along with my father just like how my other siblings would do. The unnecessary things happened in the past, are still happening up until now, the only thing that changed is that I get used to it. But it still bothers me. There will be nights that I will think of if I am being a bad daughter and as a sibling, because of how I feel with our father. It became my biggest trigger with my emotions, thoughts that I couldn't handle most of the time, having heavy breakdowns randomly, feelings I couldn't tell anyone because they might misunderstand me, continuous battle with my emotions, battles that I keep dealing with my own every now and then.