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Ok so I’m back again.
My single mom is having an affair with a married man for years now. I’ve known about this relationship since I was a child. The problem is that I never realised what my mom was doing wasn’t really right (at least for me), maybe because she’s my mom but I did now a few months back. (I’m 16 right now).
When the realisation hit me, I asked my mom to stop talking about her relationship with me because I feel like I’m doing something wrong and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.
My mom and I are very close, so close that she let me know about this relationship, I know the man, I’ve met him (he comes at home sometimes), I’ve met his wife (once or twice, like a ‘hi’ kind of thing not more) and his children (we are NOT family friends or even friends to begin with but, I’ve met them anyway), and I’ve been to their house (not that I had a say in that, I couldn’t tell my mom ‘no I don’t want to go’ but we’ve stopped going there now completely). The man says that his wife is kind of abusive (he showed marks and stuff to my mom) and that they are together only because of the kids (not relevant but I still wanted to mention it). Now that I’ve realised all of this, what do I do? Should I keep this to myself? Or should I tell his wife? If i keep this to myself I keep feeling that I am doing something that’s not right, that I’m a part of all this, that I’m ‘helping’ my mom hide her secret. But then at the same time- I’m not sure if I should let his wife know? Some People say that I should stay out of it because it isn’t my business but the thing is that I know SO much about this relationship that I can’t help but feel that (even after I stopped speaking to her about this), I’m still helping her hide this secret or whatever. I really need advice. I don’t want to feel that I’m a part of this thing, I don’t want to feel I’m doing something my conscience won’t allow me to do. I feel like I’m an unwilling accomplice. I do feel ‘oh it’s my moms life I should let her live it’ but it’s hard to think that way when you have known about the relationship, for almost your whole life. Please help me. I’m exhausted and tired and I really want advice. I can’t deal with this anymore, it’s such a huge burden. I’ve started getting not so good thoughts, I’m really going downhill please help me.
Also please refrain from using derogatory terms for my mom, I know what she’s doing isn’t right but I want a non judgemental opinion. Please.
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Personally, I would say your mom and him will have to decide how to proceed. Marriage is a contract, and contracts can be broken, made null and void. His wife, in her abusive behavior, voided that contract. If they are together just for the kids, the marriage is already over (legally both entities are still bound though in some respects). He will probably seek any means to remove himself from his wife, and I would feel similar in his situation if I had an abusive partner. I understand wanting to maintain integrity, a very admirable thing to do, but relationships must be mutual in respect and love. His wife does not respect him, I cannot even imagine what she has done to their children. You are not enabling a drug addiction, nor fostering anything that is destructive, you are a third party witness to the horrors of what can happen in marriages. Some countries, like Chile, have couples that do not wed at all. You can tell your mom how you feel, talk it through, then see how she feels. If you marry one day, you will make a wonderful partner. Look on "Psychology Today," a website that helped me tremendously in learning more about the warning signs in others. Thank you for being who you are, and for doing your best every day, we love you.
ReplyIt's very complicated relationship you describe. We probably don't have an answer for you. Perhaps a counselor or therapist is best.
ReplyComing from someone who cheated I told my boyfriend almost everything I think, but the guilt still lingers with me like I can't deal with it any longer and a loved one just passed so guilt + that it horrible for me I can't eat without feeling sick or sleep without having to just do something. I didn't think anything was wrong but then one day the guilt just hit. IF that man is still with her and she doesn't know or anything the guilt is most likely to hit at some point. What they're doing is very wrong but you shouldn't get yourself involved. Just sit back and watch because something will probably happen. I know you feel guilty like you're helping your mom but you aren't I promise you, you aren't, but what anyone says isn't going to take the guilt from you away. If the wife is truly not abusive find that out first if she isn't then maybe tell her if she's nice. OR you could go to a therapist to talk about these problems and she/he could get involved. I know you can't do anything at the moment so at any time if your mom brings him up say something like you don't feel good or say something important or bring up a different topic and when the man comes over go to your room and pretend you don't feel good or you're doing your homework when school comes around you then can go to a counselor to spill out your feelings. Right now it's all about excuses to take yourself out of those conversations or anything that includes yourself with them. Your mom is fully aware what she is doing and when their relationship fails you will finally be able to tell her "I told you so." The reason your conscience won't let go of it is because your conscience KNOWS it's wrong. Keep your head up, make excuses to take yourself out of the situation, and if you find out the women he's married to is nice then take it into your mind and tell her or go to someone to tell them about it.
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