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I've welcomed the pain right from the beginning. I know that I allowed it. I caved so long ago. I left a thousand times in my mind, but close to 7 times in real life. I don't want to count in my mind the actual number, because it brings the hurt back from each and every time. How many last chances does a person deserve? Here we are, 24 years in and I'm giving another last chance.
What's wrong with me? Another anniversary just came and went a week ago. It was as dismal as all the ones before it, right along with my birthdays and Valentine's day or any day that folks celebrate their love for each other. It reminded me of the day he asked me to marry him, while I was packing his boxes and telling him, "I don't think that's a good idea."
All I want to do is leave, but I only stay or take him back. What's wrong with me? Exactly 7 days ago, I sat right here at this computer bawling my eyes out over my desire to leave. It's so hard to let go and it hurts so badly to stay. His mom died today. He's grieving and I still want to leave him. This is awful.
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The life we live has this problem of mixing in with the lives of others. Do you know how many problems would disappear from the world if we could all just stop feeling? When you think about, the only reason life is so hard is because we dont have a choice but to feel the actions reverb against our hearts. Sometimes that reverb hurts more than it should.
Just recently I learned that everything we do, no matter how well intentioned, has the capacity to become destructive. Imagine staying for someone even when it makes you unhappy. It makes them happy and its selfless but it still affects you negatively. That's not fair. You deserve happiness, we all do. Whatever form that takes, you deserve it. You're not a bad person for understanding that. You probably have a bigger heart than a vast majority of us, instead of facing the truth you place the blame on yourself. Haven't you suffered enough? Dont you deserve a break? You're trying so hard for two and you're falling apart.
There's nothing wrong with you. We all struggle to justify what we believe to be the right thing and this will conflict with our well being. You can't make everyone happy, even more so if you're unhappy. Put every reason to stay in this unhappy relationship in front of you. Be honest about it. If you tell yourself it's to make him happy, understand that happiness is mutual. Your pain will seep into his life and it will just be two people in a loveless marriage. What life is that? You already want to leave and there's nothing more you can give, in the long run you'll see that it is worth it for both of you.
I'm sorry about what you're going through. Know that it's possible to do everything right and still fail, thats not weakness, that's life. It's what you do after that defines you.
ReplyThank you. While you are responding to another's post, your response could have been to a post I wrote recently. Loving another to their happiness and my detriment is where I am right now.
ReplyWhen did you make the recent post? And what was it called
ReplyIt is called "Struggling Today" and I wrote it a little before I commented on your response, above. (17 hours ago, per the post. For reference, right now, it says that you wrote this questions 14 hours ago.) If I had read your comments, above, before writing my post, I think that I would have been better able to formulate my thoughts. Your response to the above is really well written and thoughtful.
ReplyI don't think I have the right subscriptions, it doesnt show up anywhere in my feed. But I'll check other tags.
I'm happy to hear that my response was helpful in some way! What was your post about?
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