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I don't often post about the extent of my mental health on here. Usually I just ask for help for little things to do with my mental health. But it's gotten kind of bad the last week or two.
It used to be that when I had suicidal thoughts I would think of reasons to live. It wouldn't always make me feel better but it made me realise I didn't want to die. Now it's like although those things are still there, things I have left to do. I just don't want them anymore, I just don't care.
This has been going on for years now, I used to get suicidal thoughts maybe once or twice a month. Now it's almost every day. I self harm on a regular basis and only my boyfriend knows but he doesn't know how much worse it's gotten.
I'm afraid that it's not ever going to feel any better. That I'm not going to stop thinking about this until I finally do it. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I need help because I've always been everyone else's rock. I'm worried my family will think I'm being dramatic like they do any time I talk about myself. I'm worried telling people will do nothing.
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sometimes the people who care about you the most will downplay the issues you are having. it's not because they do not care. in fact, they care too much. they don't want to admit to themselves you are struggling. it's a form of denial. sometimes people are not equipped to handle the stress.
try talking with someone who is not in your immediate circle, but not the people in anon websites. you might find someone in an anon website, like this, who will give you a quick helping hand, but it isn't the real support you need. i usually tell people to talk with a preacher they trust if they don't want professional help, but i don't know if that is the right avenue for you.
you will be okay, but you do need to talk with someone.
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