Hunting for another reason to forget

Today I felt like victory,

So a poured a drink into my plastic cup and I raised it to the hope of being free,

I thought that finally I had someone to talk too,

Someone to listen,

I wished deep down inside that she could stand by my side,

But maybe that was just me.

Instead of the gold and the glory,

Today I found myself with another reason to forget.

I found another reason to get drunk today,

I found another reason to cry.

I've been hunting for reasons for my entire life,

I've been looking for reasons to survive.

I told myself I would live for my family,

I would live for my brothers, my sister, my mother,

I told myself I would be here for them,

May the years condemn me,

But I lost my family.

I lost my home.

I searched for more reasons to live but I felt so alone,

I could sit in a room and I would feel invisible.

I told myself I would live for my work,

I told myself I could live.

I gave up my hours,

I surrendered my power,

I told myself that I could live.

But I lost my job.

I lost the place I surrendered my life to,

I lost the place I could work,

And through all of my strife,

It just led to tears and a knife,

A blade and my veins and a chance to think twice.

I hunted for a reason to stay,

I looked for a reason instead of fading away,

I told all my friends that I wasn't feeling so great,

I hunted for a reason to stay.

They turned away.

I sat down and thought and I cried for a while,

I thought I could be better if I just learned to smile,

After all that I've been through for all off my life,

I thought maybe I could find I reason to survive.

I wrote some poetry, I sang some shit songs and thought about what I could be,

I drew shitty art and I made up my mind and I twiddled my thumbs while I wasted my time,

No one really knows about me,

Or the issues deep inside.

No one cares about me,

Or how much I want to die,

I hunted for years for reasons to live,

I searched for decades for reasons to stay,

But after its all said and done,

The demons have won,

And I have no more to give away.

I have no more reasons to stay.

I sat down on my sofa,

I poured another drink from my bottle of vodka,

I refilled my plastic cup and I stared at the ceiling.

I wish it would all go away.

I have no more reasons to stay.

I poured another cup,

I sat on the floor,

I felt my tears drip and my ears burn,

I feel like I can never learn,

I have no reasons to live.

I picked up the bottle and I just took a swig,

Now I'm drinking with my head on the floor but that's what life is,

You get down and you go up but sometimes enough is enough,

I have no more reasons to live.

All the memories,

The painful memories,

They dance around in my head,

They show me the good times like when you had your tiny hand in mine,

We danced around the kitchen on the day you turned 5,

We sung nursery rhymes,

Back then when you were mine.

I remember reading story books to you while we laid in your bed,

You loved the Lorax, and the magic dragon named puff,

I could read them for hours and you would never get sick of the stuff.

I loved you so much my little sunshine,

And now that your gone I can't survive.

This is so hard.

I can't even write how much I miss you all day and all night,

Each new day seems a little bit colder,

Each damn day as I only get older and you don't,

Your not here by my side and it hurts me the most,

I wish you could see the way that I cried when you left me alone,

There's nothing else in this world that could break me like you did.

My lovely little five year old,

Who could never do as she was told.

Just hold tight,

I'm coming to get you soon,

Just hold tight,

I love you from here to the moon,

I won't say goodbye,

Only hello and then I'll have you to hold.

I'll be there for you by tomorrow.