My life has been nothing but under People's descision

I was a second child, a girl in an asian family. If you guys have heard of how asian parents treats their kids then all I can say that most of the abuse is true. I'm writting this on my bed thinking about my life as today I turned 20. Just yesterday my mom and dad got into a fight resulted in me and my siblings get mocked at. Which is the usual outcome for any fight. I never really celebrate birthdays so I'm not sure if I should feel sad about this. Well maybe a little bit but as I grew older, birthday isn't that important to me.

Since I was a child, I always lived under my big brother's shadow. I wore clothes, books, toys all are hands down to me. Reminder that I'm a girl, so I grew up to be quite a tomboy. I never learnt how to swim nor riding bicycle because I spent all my childhood studying. I went to school and goes to cram school until when I arrive home at 6 and continue studying until bed time. I think it was normal, it's just my daily life. I also believed that I'm a stupid child that cannot play because my score isn't high enough as my big brother. Every night I got slapped, scolded, beaten because I can't do mathematics or memorize things. My mom often didn't let me sleep until I got at least almost all the answers correctly. The strange thing is, I am actually not that stupid, in elementary school I never fell from top 3 in my class. I never realized I'm actually not stupid until I grew older. When I was little I hated every people who called me smart or genius, I thought they were either lying or trying to console me or pitying me (which I hate). Now I understand that I was stupid because I didn't get an almost perfect score like my big brother at that time. Now whenever I brought a talk about my grades, my mom would be saying how proud she was with herself because she was able to teach me so I can get first place in my class. It makes me feeling complicated because I always remember how much beating I got in front of my big brother because I can't memorize things. Up until this day, I hate it when people praised me. It makes me feel lied to.

Moving on to my dad. He never beats me up, thankfully. But let me tell you, he is the worst person I've ever met. No this isn't my puberty speaking. He doesn't like to go to work, so he lets my mom carry all the burden while he does the side jobs. He also doesn't listen to people and thinks that he is always right. He is an overly religious person that thinks other race and religion are trash and teaches bad things. Even in asian race, the only race he cares are only his (meaning other race is trash, yes) He proclaimed himself to be a vegan and animal loving but let me tell you that he is not. He hits one of our dogs repeatedly every evening and cares for the other dog that he like (he likes pitbull type) For the vegan one, he says that because the God is watching him that's why he can't eat meat but when the God's turned their back, he can eat it. In the end, he can't keep up with his vegan demeanour and turned to be a meat eater. He's also very calculative with his money so when my mom bought a new clothes for herself, he will mock her that she's spending too much. This makes my mom restains herself so she doesn't buy more than 1 cloth per year for herself. In the other side, my father always uses my mom's money and proclaimed that he never took any from her. We also have debts, but my dad made all the debt are being named upon my mom's name so he can leave it to my mom in case they got divorced. I know this because he always brings it up when they are fighting and talked about divorcing. In the other hand, my father is an easilly agitated man, he gets angry soooo easilly and over minor things. He also not a clean and upkept type, total opposite from my mother. He once got angry at the whole family when he can't found scissors. When i found it right besides him, he accuses me to be the one hiding it from him. Growing up, i just can't stand him and his ideologies. I remember my grandma told me and my siblings to keep distance and shut your mouth if you have someone you don't like. We did it just like that, we don't talk much to my father.

There was one time when I was in my last year of elementary school. When I got home, I was tired of cramming for the tests and decided to watch TV for a while. My father came and got angry at me, he said that if I don't want to study I'd be better off not stay in this house. It felt horrible, but I didn't fight back so I just went to another hours of studying again.

When I was in middle school, I got lucky that I was able to join several competitions and brought some trophies. But when I went to my last year of middle school, I haven't got any wins. My father, came back from work, got angry all of a sudden and started shouting that it's useless for me to enter competition if I'm not going to win it. He also stated that I don't want to win and should've quit. The day after tomorrow, I gave my resignment to my teacher who guided me to the competitions. He was sad because there is another competition I was going to be set up upon but he understand that I need to focus on studies. What I hate wasn't that incident but when I got to high school. My father ,in front of the teacher,said that I won a lot of competitions in middle school and should join competition team representing the high school. I was shocked but I just looked down on the floor. I remember I smiled bitterly to the teacher and I think he did saw my smile. That moment I learnt how hyprocritical he is. After this i never won any other competition again.

The other thing I carved deep in my heart is when I was choosing major for college in my last year of high school. I had set up my mind to become a law consultant in international economics. I made up my mind since I was in second year of high school only to hear that my father doesn't want me to enter law, he thinks it is a dirty business and I just don't suit it. I was very upset and was trying to cover it while studying. My mother needs to explain it to me again until I accepted my father's statement. I began on searching other major's that I thought I could take. Pathology, fashion design, flight attendant, history, economics, accounting, secretary, education. I also tried majoring in art, since I think I got talent in it. Then i told my father one by one which major I'm interested in. At the end, my father blantantly refused all of it and got mad at me. He said that he support any descisions that I made, he will let me choose major for myself except in law, medicine, economics, education, airplane thing, accounting, secretary, history, art, sociology and all the things i stated. He then replied that he wanted me to become a doctor. It paid well, and last year my big brother refused to become one so the burden was given to me. On the other hand, my mother told me that she wanted me to major in multimedia. Deep inside, I didn't want to use my hobby as a major... It makes me think that it is a work rather than hobby. My dad laughed and said that my head's are in the cloud's wayyyy up there to be able to think i would got into big companies. He said that I dreamt to high and if sometimes I got into one of big companies then it will be a miracle than a hardwork. I literally teared up at that time, but I just hold it in.

After counseling with my school, I decided to take major for a doctor and multimedia. Fast forward, I failed the doctor test and I don't want to try it again. Around a week after that my father would always told me that being a doctor is easy, it makes you rich, anytime we're on road. It makes me feel like a failure, thay I really am stupid.

There are actually a lot of things my families are toxic at but while I was writting, I feel a bit better. Thank you for anyone that was able to read up to this part. English isn't my native language, I'm really sorry.