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I've been carrying around a lot of regret for several years about a cat that I let get close to me and then abused.
I had and have struggled with depression for a long time and, at the time, I had somehow convinced myself that cats were evil by nature and deserved what she was getting. I see her in just about every cat I see now and I wish I could take it back.
She eventually became noticably depressed and withdrew to a window, where she spent a lot of her time. I released her at a park when my conscience finally caught up with me and I have no idea what happened to her after that. If I could change anything, I would have taken better care of her and done more to find her a good home.
I'm not an evil person and I feel that I generally have a strong sense of right and wrong and, beyond depression and repressed rage from childhood abuse, I'm still not sure why I acted the way I did with her. I can't help but feel like that one instance in my life completely defines who I am and will always be - an animal abuser.
I'm making arrangements in life to be helpful and to contribute to animal wellbeing, but I stay terrified that the people around me will discover what I've done and that I will deserve to die as she probably did - alone, abused and afraid. Most days, I'm sorry that I exist.
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Of course what you did was wrong. It it normal to feel guilt, and probably a good thing you feel it as it shows remorse. Obviously hurting an animal is very cruel, and usually those who are kind to animals are kind to humans and vice versa.
If you are now seeking to change and ACTIVELY changing that is a good thing. If this act is defintely in the past then all hope isn't lost.
ReplyForgive yourself for what you did. I once helped to kill one with a friend myself being ignorant I regret it so much. I love animals now. I help make my dogs life as happy as possible. Forgive yourself and try to move on. Don't beat yourself up you can't change the past but you can try to be a better human. That's what counts that you're sorry for what did.
ReplyI met a guy volunteering at an animal shelter who loved cats and found so many homes for them. One day I asked him why he was so dedicated, and he told me it's because years ago he abused and killed a cat, and he never forgave himself. That would be my advice to you. Never forgive yourself, but use your shame to drive you forward to redeem yourself and accomplish great things. No forgiveness necessary, one day you'll wake up and feel great about your path in life :)
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