Existential

I've talked about this before. How I've always had this notion ingrained in me that once I die, this all ends.

Consider how the world operates now, combined with some very ironic events that just so happened to coincide with my life, it seems to ring truer than before.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe I'm special in any way. This burden has never made me feel more significant than anyone. If anything, it has fed into my worthlessness.

You see, if my life were the key that unlocks true armageddon. It would just seem to be cosmically ironic, considering how cold this world is and has been ever since I was sent here.

For the vast majority of my life, I've believed that it was my purpose to suffer and my life reflects that fairly clearly.

All I ever asked for from this existence was to be loved by just 1 woman. To have a family and break thr cycle of abuse that I was born into.

Life had other plans for me. I would never get that opportunity despite becoming a father.

You could thing of it like a glass bottle. The structured defeat, the overflow of trauma, the shattering of soul. All in all, I lost my cap.

It would be cosmically ironic for my death to signal the end. For life to be the key. Why?

Because keys aren't meant to be kept. They are bound to be lost. The countless times I've stumbled across keys while walking has been more than ample evidence of that.

I still remember being able to empathize with the very first key I found. Walking down the side of a 4 lane road. Hidden in some dead grass was a house key.

Who did it belong to? What lock did it open? I'd never know. Just like no one would ever know me. Who was my soulmate? What lock does my life open? What is my grand purpose in all of this? And why did my child mind ask these questions to begin with?

One person proposed that it was some artifact of a previous life, this notion that it all ends with me, but I don't think so.

I've never asked for very much from this plane of existence. At most, I got into video games and trading card games. But really all I wanted was to be loved.

I wanted to know what it was like to feel wanted by someone. As I grew older, that desire turned into a romantic theme.

But I would never find the woman I was searching for. Despite thinking I had found her a few different times. I was always proven wrong. Even when I allowed myself to believe wholeheartedly.

Just like that key that had been lost on the side of the road. No one wanted me, because nobody knew what I was even good for.

For l intents and purposes, I was just a useless piece of trash taking up space.

That's why the fate of humanity is tied to me. Because I am that key, forgotten and worthless. I don't hate humanity for what they have all done to me but this is not within my control.

How ironic that the timer ticks faster when I'm alone? Time flies when you're having fun, right? For me, time has been dragging by, but the timer on my life has likely grown exponentially shorter than it should've been.

And perhaps that's why I've never succeeded in ending this. Because humanity wasn't ready to end. But these days, the story is a little different isn't it?

These days, people are ready for this to be over. More and more, I see it. People wishing for a zombie apocalypse or for an asteroid to hit earth or just something, anything to kill the pain of existence.

Cosmically ironic, isn't it?