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I am still unable to grasp any reason to live, the only thing keeping me alive right now is the thought of things getting getting better,
I've attempted to kill myself before, but a random girl from a different department stopped me, and it scars me when I saw her pale face when she saw me, but I never regretted trying to kill myself. Even now, I still think that I would choose dying over everything. I still think that it would have been better if did die that day, 4 years ago.. i can't help hating myself, sometimes for no reason.. I'm so tired of myself, I don't wanna be me anymore.. Writing poems used to help cope with my depression, though I haven't really been diagnosed with depression, frankly because my parents think depression isn't real so they don't let me see a doctor.. maybe I am not depressed, maybe I just wanna define what I am going through, with a word that explains itself so I won't have to.. I was never really the type of person to tell people my problems or troubles, cause I feel like it'd burden them.. even though I know that it's only me that thinks that way I still feel like it's wrong.. it pains me to think that I would trouble other people with MY problems. My family, well, mom and dad are separated, I have 2 brothers, both from different moms, and I have 2 sisters, one of them is from a different dad, so yeah, a mess. Friends, well, I've always had a flexible personality, so I can get along with almost anyone, and I have a bestfriend, she is very dear to me, we've known eachother for almost 6 years. Love, I have a boyfriend right now, he is sweet and kind, he spoils me too much, he is my 4ty boyfriend, he gets extremely jealous, he once sat on a window wanting to jump off, cause my ex-boyfriend sent me food (i didn't know it was from him at first, my ex had it delivered by a mutual friend), but he is way better than all relationships I've been with, he is the 2nd guy I've slept with, i love him so much, but I never could show him this side of me again, the depressed me, cause I know how much it broke him when I last let him see me in that state, so I am here, cause, it's almost 6am and I still haven't slept a wink for having trouble sleeping, then I would have the most trouble trying to get up in the morning, counting reasons to even open my eyes. The more I sleep, the more I hate myself for being unproductive and pitiful, but I can't help but stay in bed, it's like sadness is caressing me in bed, while depression sings me a lullaby. I am currently short on cash, like I am almost at zero money, it's painful that I am not exaggerating this. I literally will go hungry in 2 days if i don't get some money. And also fail in school cause I can't submit anything cause I have no money to buy materials for the projects. In this terrible disaster, my strongest lifeline in my boyfriend, I just know that I have to be stronger for him, he brings me food everyday cause I am out of money, he doesn't really have any money either, I told him that I never date for money or appearance, cause he gets really sad when he can't do anything to help me with problems. I just hope thing get better, even if it's just for him, because I am used to this, and he isn't. I guess that's too long, I think that's enough, thanks for reading.
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Hi look not worry!! Don't be scared to ask you're family for help! That's what they are there for! Mayby ask if you can go to their home and let you stay! It help very much! It will save you too! You will be in loving supervison to! Hope this helps! (Virtual hugs you) 😃👋
ReplyHey there kiddo. How are you feeling today? Just want you to know that ending your life isn't the only option. I know, sometimes it feels that way and it sucks. Sometimes you feel lonely even when you are surrounded by others. Sometimes you can't even let others know how you're doing because for the longest time, you just held everything in, since you felt like a burden to others or felt like you are oversharing. I want to tell you that it's okay to cry and feel those emotions, let it all out. Don't keep it in. You're here, reaching out to people, that's amazing and I am so proud of you. You are hurting right now but if you leave, you'll be hurting other people. I don't mean to make you feel guilty but that's the truth, and the truth hurts. It's very sweet that your boyfriend is helping you out, and I hope everything works out for him too, although I would be wary of his jealousy. Once again, I sincerely hope everything works out for both of you. Take it one day at a time. You have so many beautiful things to enjoy and see in this world. Message your school or professor about your financial issues and ask for an extension. I know that schools offer counselors too, if you want, you could go talk to them too. I really hope that this sadness starts to fade and your days are filled with happiness and joy instead. But remember, that happiness doesn't last long, but neither does sadness. Sending you love and well wishes. Take care kiddo, I will be thinking about you, please take care of yourself you beautiful person!
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