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I've been in this relationship with my S/O for over half a decade now. We have never technically lived together but we live just a few streets away for most of this time. We haven't been financially stable this whole time no matter how hard we've worked. Me always doing better off then him and helping him when he needs, without any desire for him to pay it back monetarily. He helps with my car and cooks for me on occasion and thats fine. The thing is, he's always been short on cash because he lives with his mother. She has had very serious health issues in the past so I've always understood he stayed to help her. But even before those times, she would make excuses for financial problems she ignored and gone off to waste money on things she didn't need, would finacially burden my partner with those problems, and would verbally abuse him for things out of his control or just for the fun of it at times (or so it seemed to me.) We currently are expecting a child very, very soon and he has taken on extra work during this pandemic to save up and prepare for our child the best he can. However, the closer we get to this due date, the harder he is hit with demands for money from his mother, not because he owes her anything, but because she isnt willing to do as much as she can to pay on debts she owes. We've already financed a 10,000$ repair to her house (which I alone paid for 2 years, and still paying myself), he helped her get a new vehicle and she allowed ours to be wrecked so he is driving her old one he has to put money into every week just to get to work, and she's put off bills racking them up over 1,000 every year for the past 3 years and sets up payment plants for hundreds of dollars and constantly bugs him to pay them, with her paying bare minimum, if anything at all, towards them. During all this time I've seen him work through serious injuries, cry helplessly until he was suicidal, and even allowed him to yell at me with his frustrations until he could settle himself for us to talk just to get by. She's currently telling him to pay for an over due bill payment plan costing 300$ a month on top of everything else he takes care of and its physically tearing him apart. It makes me angry that we have these conversations about how he won't let her get her way and he is gonna let her deal with her own problems, just for him, a week or so later, to take care of it without telling me until hes angry that he has no money again and is off ranting. We are so close to having a family of our own, but I don't know how to encourage him to live with me and this child and just let her actually take care of her own problems. He has finacially been her back up support since he was in his teens, and now that she barely works she expects him to still pay for her things after shes wasted her money on other things she doesn't need. He won't allow me to talk to her directly about things, and even half the stuff she has recieved from "him", she doesn't even know came out of my pocket. I love this man and we want to one day be married, but I am so stressed out that we are in debt because of this woman who doesn't respect him, yet he loves dearly. I'm not sure what to do, but I do know I seriously need him to prioritize our child. Im just afraid of him either putting us on the back burner to help his mom or killing himself trying to be a father and his mother's caretaker all at once. Any positive advise?
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This is rather unfortunate. There really is no right way of approaching this, it's his mother.
Unless he is already awake to other forms of abuse she may have put him through, the likelihood of him coming to that realization becomes almost 0. Even with you being the one trying to show him.
Going that route could impact your relationship as well, so it's not very advisable.
On the other hand, he can't keep letting his mother drain his bank account every time she thinks she needs something. Yes, medical emergencies are one thing but what you're talking about almost sounds like munchausen on his mother's part.
The only other option here is to confront him on this and if he won't see eye to eye with you, it may be time to terminate the relationship. As hard as that may be.
So you're in a real pickle here, I wish I could have some better advice for you. You could try to let it be and hope for the best but how much is that going to keep impacting you and your emotional wellbeing?
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