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Today is exactly one year after I was r*ped by my ex boyfriend after me and some friends got quite drunk at a party. I was vulnerable and hurting at the time as he'd only broken up with me 2 weeks before, and we "mutually" decided to stay friends. He pushed too soon to start hanging out again and I wasn't ready. At the end of the night, I wasn't in a state to go home, so I stayed over. He took the opportunity to sleep with me and I've never felt more used and humiliated in my life. He was an abusive boyfriend, and a worse ex. I've been through months of therapy because the r*pe was so traumatic and this year has been a trainwreck of more pain and near loss. Let alone the pandemic and anxieties over uncertainty and my friends moving back home from university so suddenly.
My mental health was awful this time last year, and whilst it may be better I still need more intense therapy and possibly medication. I need a way of getting through this next year because God knows the stress I'm going to be under with the workload of my final year of university and trying to avoid my ex, on top of trying not to get ill and infect my friends.
I'm finding it difficult to see past this and how I can fully heal because it was so disgusting and wrong what happened to me. I even justified it for months saying that he was hurting too and it wasn't his fault, just like I was in the relationship.
I'm angry and hurting and wish it never happened.
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Sorry to hear about this ordeal - a year is nothing in terms of time so you will need more time to get through this - maybe surrounding yourself with people who can help you keep your mind occupied - whilst also trying to focus on your final year exams.
ReplyThank you, I needed to hear that. I've got a lot of support around me and university is actually helping me to get through it.
Reply(for context for this comment, I wrote this a few months ago)
I decided to come back to this. I had it bookmarked for months and it just occurred to me to look back. I realise now just how much I've grown from this.
I'm still angry, that much is true, but I've found a way past this. I am going through more intense therapy and I'm on medication, and I've never been more thankful. I'm healing from a traumatic event that I know, one day, will stop being trauma. Some day, I'll know that it's an awful thing that I went through, but I won't feel trapped in how I felt that night. I'll be free.
I still get flashbacks. I still feel hurt and scared to trust again. Even now it still makes me anxious to think about that relationship. But I'm healing.
I've been through what is, so far, the worst experience of my life. I fell into a deep depression for months after the r*pe. And I'm coming out stronger. And, if anyone's reading this, you can come out stronger, too.
Reply