Atypical Anorexia?

VERY LONG READ!!! SORRY.

TLDR ; I've had a rough couple of weeks. I am fat, but think I have been going about losing weight wrong because of my BDD -- Body Dysmorphia Disorder.

I guess I just wanted a place to vent, but where I could get feedback and not feel so alone.

I'm fat. There's no denying it. And it's not that that I just feel fat, I AM fat. And I know that.

So, I've been on a journey to lose 100 pounds for the sake of my body and mind. I want to be healthier. I want my doctor's to stop telling me I need to lose weight, even though when I have my physical, everything comes back fine. I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. Feeling sad of worthless for how I fit into clothes, or how I look in the mirror, or just how I may look to others, or even how I may look in an unposed picture.

I didn't know about the term BDD until the first time I went about trying to lose weight. My sister pointed out the I must have body dysmorphia because I was really starting to thin out, but would deny seeing anything. I noticed my clothes were fitting bigger, but the logic in me told me it's because they were just somehow getting bigger... not me getting smaller. I became obsessed with the gym. I did Weight Watchers because it helped me regulate my eating habits. I got into a relationship and felt happy. I lost track of my diet and gained a ton of happy weight. I gained back all my results. It stung because I had been 10 pounds away from my first personal milestone goal. I gained an extra 15 due to COVID.

I'm on this journey again. I had gotten to the point where even my larger clothes were getting tight and I refused to buy new clothes to accommodate. I had been doing great. The process went the usual rate for weight loss. I've still been to nervous going to the gym so I'll dance at home for exercise. Everything was fine for the first couple of months. Then I hit the mark where I lost 23 pounds. Thing slowed down because I started implementing more cheat days with the boyfriend. Then I found out I was being cheated on. There were messages exchanged... and pictures sent to him... and none of them looked like me. And maybe that's a dumb thing to point out, but I guess that's also what made it sting more. They were of normal weight. Some were skinny. And here I am. Fat. What do I have in common with them? They were ALL skinny. I look nothing like them BECAUSE I am fat. And everything shattered. I feel ugly again. And fat. And disgusting. And every other awful word under the moon. I hate looking at myself. I can't help but feel like he dated me because he felt sorry for the fat girl. I can't help but think that the only reason he cheated on me was because I was fat and he was disgusted... or that he thought he could get away with it too because I'm fat so I must be desperate for anyone to love me. It hurt worst because ultimately that was my best friend and the only person I have ever trusted in my life.

These past two weeks have been the hardest, but proudest weeks. Him and I still keep in contact... He's sorry -- of course. I... I just know I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be lonely. I'm not mentally in a good place for it right now. Although, it's been a proud moment because I've lost 5 pounds in these two weeks. But I don't think it's been done healthy. I've been eating a lot less. At first it came from shame and sadness of myself and my body. Now... I eat less because eating too much is starting to give me anxiety. The first week I barely ate and by the end of that week I started only eating once a day. If I FELT like I ate too much I would feel nauseous. I even ended up throwing up one day. I walked for hours on a hot day on Sunday and my first meal wasn't until 7pm. I felt dizzy and nauseous and lightheaded. But almost proud that I did it. The week after (this week) I ate an entire thing crust pie, some breadsticks, and cinnamon sticks. I felt guilty about it. So to make up for it I decided to eat less this week. Some days weren't too bad at 700-1000 calories. Today is what caused me to write this. I tried to ask my friend/ex/whatever for help. He still is very there and tries to be kind and wants to help and even still be lovey, but I'm not feeding it. I told him that I barely ate today and the last time was at 11am. I told him I wasn't sure if I should just go to sleep because I'm feeling hungry or just grab McDonalds because I have enough calories for the day for that. He told me to buy food. Then I suggested just not eating again. He told me I would make the best choice for me. I knew I didn't want to eat. I told myself since it's 9 o'clock that it's a reasonable time to sleep, in order to convince myself it is the right choice. I have only eaten approximately 500 calories today. This week, including the day I ate all that food with the entire pizza, bread, etc... I still managed to lose 3 pounds. I had a panic attack and cried as I tried to convince myself to even eat a little. Eggs, or tuna fish, cereal, or even fruit. Then when I decided I wouldn't eat and just sleep... the stress went away. And now I'm feeling like this is a problem because I've been so agitated lately and feeling exhausted this entire week. My body has been hurting and feeling sore. I've been getting headaches. I just feel drained. I think the smaller amounts of food have been catching up to me.

But I'm fat and everyone's been complimenting me on losing weight. And it almost feeds these bad habits. I should be happy I'm processing quicker now, no? And I don't want to blame the guy I "tried" to reach out for help to. I know if he knew how little I have been eating this week he would have been worried and tried to make me feel better about eating... and have convinced me harder. I've decided on going to bed. But I still don't think I'm making the right choice.