Untold emotions of a single parent kid: Diary 2

I understand that I have to go out and make friends, stay connected with them and try to get out of the bubble which I have created and etc. But over the last two years all I have been experiencing with friends is also disaster. Two years ago I wanted to do my Master's abroad and when it was decided I was all enthusiastic and with a lot of energy that I will be leaving this country and so I have to start changing my attitude towards life and etc...

Here is the thing, I was in a bigger mess in my life than when I was back home. And this started almost after like a month or two of starting my school. I was all happy and was talking to many people. I started liking the atmosphere her and I thought that finally I was out of all the restrictions and had made a lot of friends. If not for financial help or anything, I will at least have some friends for emotional support. Even in the worst situation, all I want is someone to talk to and someone who would pat my back and tell "it will pass" or any supportive things which will make me feel better. So after two months of coming here, people started to go away from me and there was no specific reason. Whenever I wanted to just hangout or just to meet and go for a walk also nobody would agree. I was left alone. Well my roommate was there with me for a few more days after which he also changed his manner and would only come to me for food. Even then I was focusing on my studies and then in the end of the semester I had to go through a heavy financial loss due to my friend because he tricked into something. I had to pay a lot of money for the mistake that I trusted him. I somehow managed to pay it and couldn't tell it my mother for obvious reasons. In the next semesters I was dumped by best friend and the reason for that was there was no more use of me for her academics. She got the assistant-ship position which I let go so that she could be happy. That was a big blow to me and I had to go to a therapist to make myself feel better. In the last semester COVID hit the world and I went into ruminating depression following which the few people I was talking with also stopped talking to me for the reason to hide their progress in life.

Right now I am in a small room sitting here and jobless. I have been through a lot in past few years and yet my mother does not have a clue about what I am going through. I have been strong for so many years fighting my battles alone and struggling to cope up with life. There are no cousins with whom I can share stuffs because I am not allowed to talk to them nor any family members. All I am doing is praying everyday that good times will come soon and everyday it just like another day from past six months. No good result. I have money left for a few more months and after that I am pretty sure that I will be on streets. The bitter cold weather is what I am fearing and with that is the fear of COVID. Parents are there to support their kids and they have to and I believe so. I have a lot of insecurities which I want to tell my mother but I cannot even tell her that i am having a bad time.

Everyday is frustrating and ends with nothing.