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next year I have to decide (my parents have decided) what stream do i have to take , it's a mess inside my head. I don't get what to do although it ain't like i have a say in it but still i want to just think for myself even though i cannot act. I am a good student at my school. It's difficult t choose between maths and biology.I love maths it feels better it ease me when i am sad or displeased and there was once a time when i was obssessed with it.My brother, whom i am always infinitely obssesed with also is a mathematics student. In school i have always been better than others at me . Even teachers praise me , I could even do questions which teacher neede to think about and my calculation were also fast. I am good in algebra and geometry. besides everything Maths is stress reliever for me , I can just forget everything while i am doing maths. It feels like a fun challenge. I almost complete my full modules in the first few months of the year and i enjoy doing it for hours all together. But it all feels like a delusion now, I joined some coaching , it was like my life came slapped me awake . Although I am still good in my advance batch but while competing with other batches i feel so nudged out I am a stupid girl who can't even solve some basic mathematics . i am just dumb there. Teachers don't even remember who i was still I strived hard to keep up my ambitions for maths but i am not able to.I just cant......
It all started last year , still i used to get pumped up always as i was still the maths topper at my school , they adore me and i have many times counter checked that fact that i am not acting like a empty vessel still ringing aloud(and my school is a reputated cbse school with good students but the coacing centre students are,..........)
This year i finally decided to give up on my beloved maths as my parents had already decided biology as main subject for me. So i checked out the syllabus for biology in further classes and it felt pretty approachable like i knew most of the things being in the advance batch but not so in case of maths. So i puffed up all the way towards biology and now past a semester i feel like although feeling it easy i am not even able to be a good ranker in mu batch. F*** man. What do i do its all messed up
What do i study. How do i study i want to study but....its all messed up . I feel helpless to myself
I am so much confused and worked up even though my conclusion or decision doesn't even matter to anyone LOL on MY LIFE AND ME
Any comments suggestions or consolance.
Tell me if anyone's like me, i may feel i am not the only one coz' i don't find anyone like me around
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You kind of remind me of my cousin. She’s an achiever when she was in junior high, she’s even on top of her class but when she enrolled in senior highschool and college in one of the top school here, she’s not getting the attention that she received when she was still in jhs, not even an award and that frustrates her that why whenever I visit their house she’s always busy cuz as I’ve said she’s an achiever. Sometimes we really feel that we’re really good in certain things but when we gonout in our comfort zone we learn that there are other peole who’s much better than us and that frustrates us because it’s like we live in a illusion and when it shatters it kinda hurt us. What I can advice you is if you really wanted to take mathematics, go for it. Maybe youre afraid because youre setting a high expectation for yourself and you’re not reaching that expectations and that’s totally normal. Try see those people who’s much better than you as a competitors (a healthy one). If you feel dumb when you’re with them it’s okay, just focus on your progress on how to catch up to them and see learning as an investment and not just for an award or recognition, cuz that would really put you down. Enjoy the process and take as much as possible learning from your coach and also from your colleagues. I hope this helps!
ReplyThank sad but relived and calm is what i feel. Atleast someone told me what it is ,i mean the truth but it seems impossible for me to take up mathematics as I see my parents behaviour. It feels they have imagined everything with medical at its very certain base, I don't know really 😞😟
ReplyIt really sucks when parents are the one deciding for the future of their children and us, being the children sometimes can’t do anything cuz they’re the one who’s gonna pay for our tuition fee hahaha. If you really don’t want it like 100% just tell them, hoping they’ll understand from your perspective (cuz duh they’re not the one who’s gonna study hahaha). Just tell them.
ReplyThe main thing is they had been telling me i was going to be a doctor even since i was playing or whenever i was studying. And i didn't say anything back then coz' i didn't knew anything myself, i was a child and their choices grew so intense now that it seems impossible to oppose. They had given me liberty to oppose when i wasn't even knowing how does it matter and when i finally know i don't have any choice
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