hey

so i wrote on here a few days ago

because i made a huge mistake in my relationship

and it ended

at first

i was just so disappointed in myself

and i honestly could have ended it right there if my parents weren't home

but then

i felt so guilty

after all the promises

and after all the "i love you" 's

i hurt the person that i for once loved with all my heart

and i loved him so much it honestly hurt being unable to talk to him

it'd feel like i was being burned alive just thinking about one day waking up and him not being there

as cheesy and weird it may seem, we've talked about our wedding and how many kids we'd have

what their names would be

if we'd have any dogs

we talked about all the dates we would go on

and how we'd argue about who loves who more

i miss when it was that simple

when school didn't drive us apart

now, i cry whenever i think about him

and i tear myself apart knowing that I'm the one that's causing him pain

and i don't even know if he still feels the same way

we've talked about it

and maybe reconciling in the future

but I'm sure he just said those things to make me feel better

i remember

as he broke up with me

he told me that he hopes that I'll be able to watch the sunset with someone

and he made sure that i wouldn't hurt myself

and that I'll try to be happy and move on in the future, because that's what he wants for me

but i still love him

and i can't imagine loving anyone else

and the worst part is

is that i know that he's right

i know that I'm not the best for him

and if he stayed with me any longer

he might just get hurt again

and i know that if i was given the choice between being able to be with him one more time or see him truly happy

i'd choose his happiness over and over again

earlier we were talking

and he told me how i could always rely on him if i needed comfort

and whenever he'd talk about saying goodbye

or just spending time apart

he always ends it with "for now"

he thanked me for teaching what love is and letting him experience it with me

he told me that it still hurt, but a small part of him still loves me

but i don't know if that small part really exists

i hate myself for losing him

when he was my everything

but he told me that even though we broke up, he doesn't want to lose me

and i don't want to lose him either

but what if im saving this hope for pity

what if he just said those things so i wouldn't beat myself up too much

or cut myself

what if he hates me

what if he doesn't even love me anymore

idk

idk what to do anymore

i just feel so empty without him, and i know that's really bad

but he was the first person i loved

the first person i was willing to go to the ends of the earth for

i thought we were soulmates

i know that if someone does respond to this

they'll tell me that it'll be ok

if it's meant to be it'll be

or there's so many other opportunities out there in life

but i just can't

i can't move on

and i don't think i want to

if someone could just

idk maybe say something to comfort me

or tell me if i should wait and see if fate will find a way

or if i should move on

and forget him