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Fat. As a child and teenager, between the ages of 11-15, I was overweight. I used to binge all day and everyday. I was accustom to constantly hearing comments about me being fat, ugly etc. I remember wishing I looked like one of the pretty and skinny popular girls.
Finally, by the time I was 16 I had lost a lot of weight and was a slim UK size 10 aswell as having my braces out. I looked good. Pretty even. Boys were actually interested in me. Then I started college and was one of the “popular girls” and I gained confidence. I was actually starting to like the way I looked. I was happy and content with my appearance more than I had ever been.
Then, I moved out and started university as a bubbly and confident girl. Not knowing how to cook and spending most my time socialising by the end of my first year of university I had lost more weight. I went home in the summer to a heap of comments telling me I had lost weight. I was a slim size 8 now and started to look back at those photos in college in horror. Despite, me being a healthy size I was convinced I was fat.
After the second year of university, I lost even more weight and I remember going to an old college friends birthday party to be told by everyone how skinny I looked. I was so happy that everyone was commenting on how good I looked even slimmer.
During my placement year, I remember weighing myself to find I was 56kg. I had gained 2kg. I remember eating so little and exercising like crazy for 2 weeks to get back down to 54kg.
Now, I everyday wake up and obsessively count my calories. Even subconsciously, I can’t help but look for the back of every food packaging to see the number of calories it equates to. It has become obsessive. I have days where I will eat a little too much and feel so guilty I have the urge to exercise as much as possible to try burn off some of the extra calories I have eaten.
Today, I stupidly allowed myself to overindulge and have felt nothing but guilt so much so that I cannot sleep without thinking about whether I have done some permanent damage to the scales. All because I am petrified of becoming that same sad fat little girl nobody called pretty.
The sad thing is I do not wish to be like this and that how I look now is how I so much desired to look like all them years ago. Yet, I have never been so unconfident. I wish I could stop obsessing with the number I see on the scale but it eats me up inside at the very thought of having gained weight. I wish I could just be happy and not have a care about my figure. I know now body positivity is common, unlike when I was a lot younger, but I still have the desire to be super skinny.
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You seem to have a solid, rational grasp on the problem. So I'm going to throw an idea at you. Maybe your eating disorder isn't about your weight so much as it's about reward/punishment. When you were 11-15 and binged a lot, you were punished with insults, bullying and negativity. After 16 when you lost weight, you were rewarded with praise, popularity and positivity.
This continued, and the more weight you lost, the more you were rewarded. It's very VERY hard to break this "training" especially since you've been getting it since you were 11. But maybe one way of breaking the cycle is to find something else that will give you a "reward"? Something totally unrelated to weight, image, or even social status. Do you have a talent like art, music, writing (you seem like an excellent writer) that you can immerse yourself in, so you aren't always preoccupied with the scale?
Disclaimer: I'm not a professional AT ALL. But I suffered from an eating disorder for years and learned a lot from talking to others as well as observing myself. Happily recovered, so I'm proof that it's possible to beat this. You just have to find what it takes to break yourself out of the cycle. Some people successfully channel it into physical exercise--technically it's still part of the disorder but it's less harmful.
ReplyThank you for taking the time to give me some advice, it means a lot :) x
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