What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
Behind the fake smile everyone wants to see.
Behind the lifeless job everyone wants me to work.
Behind the alien lifestyle everyone wants me to adopt.
Behind an empty relationship everyone wants me to have.
Behind dead eyes, conciousness closed to the world.
To be, do, act and talk like they wanted me to. Another mindless robot in the cog of a productive society.
Would it make me feel anything more than what I feel right now? Knowing that I lack all these things?
Would it give me a sense of home?
Would that relationship finally last forever, despite how empty it becomes?
Would it give me a sense of purpose?
Would it make me feel better about who I am?
I guess I'll never know, because that world looks so alien, so repulsive, so bleak to me. I could never truly drive myself to that world, not by my own will.
Maybe if they killed my concious with a medley of drugs, maybe then. But I could never be the person they want me to be. Eventually I'd awaken to my life reshaped and see a brand new nightmare.
Where I'm a fraud, I don't belong, I don't deserve. No matter how hollow it seems, how desolate the air is, how bland the walls are, how dull my mind is. I don't deserve any of it, splashing cold water on my face, waiting for the drugs to kick in and put my mind back to bed.
But it's already happening, nukes are falling inside my head and I can remember the scorched debris and ghosts of the past, all screaming my name.
Meanwhile, I stare into the mirror as tears begin to flood out of my eyes and I can feel everything breaking inside me as an earthquake violently shatters the reality I've built around myself.
The ideolized warmth, the possessions, the so called love, the would be hope. All of it coming crashing down like raining shards of broken glass, all upon me as the old familiar demons crawl from the cracks of the surface inside my mind.
A new rapture has begun and I am it's soul victim as the ground gives way and I fall into a bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness, flailing about trying to catch myself. Trying so hard to hold onto the notion that what I've built was real but it's not!
It's not real at all! It's just in my head! I've allowed myself to lie, to deny the true nature of who I am. Because when it all comes crashing down and I finally hit the bottom, I can finally stand and see that the monster staring back at me, is simply my own reflection.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Tearjerker
A soft plead uttered through frozen lips. Beckoning for the warmth of love to find them. A heart, shattered to dust. Beckoning for the strength to try again....
-
Existential
I've talked about this before. How I've always had this notion ingrained in me that once I die, this all ends. Consider how the world operates now, combined...
🌹
ReplyYou always have a choice. Stop being so afraid and take life into your own hands. Start with small things and build your courage up to the big ones. You can do it! It's your life, your decisions!
Stop caring what everyone else thinks, most people have no idea what they're doing either, they're just faking it.
And find things that bring you joy and do them!
Choose what you eat, how you take care of your body, how you spend your free time, even how you approach your work.
Wake up! You ALWAYS have a choice!
ReplyI'd disagree with you entirely, this is not my life. It's just the stupid man suit that I wear.
ReplyI completely understand what you're saying and I felt that way before. The thing is, if you allow yourself to drown in that, you lose. Since it's you in that body and that soul, it's also up to you to do something about it. I know everyone around you lives the same way, that same boring life that you (and I actually) don't want to lead, you should change it for yourself. You could make a living out of art, or out of gaming or stuff like that, not a 9 t 5 job, and you could do that while traveling instead of being stuck in the same home everyday. Or if traveling is nothing for you, you could live far from the rest of all people and lead a self-sufficient life in the green part of your country, it ha been proved that mental and body health get better if you get away from the big cities. I now how you feel, I really do, I spent nights and nights crying because I wasn't happy with my life and got anxious about my future (I'm 24 and jobless and have a lot of responsibilities...) and I decided that I wouldn't settle anywhere if I didn't feel happy about it. I don't care about what my family says because they don't know what it is to be in my shoes, I don't try to fit in. I just do what makes ME feel happy as long as it doesn't harm myself, others or nature.
Hang in there, it does get better
Reply