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I don’t want to be a bad person. I try so hard to make sure I’m not and I constantly make sure that I’m doing good things. Most of my family aren’t very good people and I’m so scared I’m like them. I get these feelings that are so strong and it’s like my body telling me that it would just be so much easier and so much better for me to just be bad. I don’t want to be mean or hurt anyone and I fight it but it’s so hard. It’s like every part of me is screaming at me to do something and it’s so scary to feel like I’m not in control of my body. It’s like my whole body wants to cause pain but I really don’t want to hurt anyone. And then there are like these whispers in my head that aren’t really fully voices but more like between a thought and a voice telling me to do something and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to listen but it’s so strong. I don’t know why I’m like this but I don’t want to be like my family I want to be a good person and I want to do the right thing I really do but it’s like my body disagrees and sometimes my brain too. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling but the only thing I can think of to put it into words is that it feels like I’m being controlled
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Omg that sounds scary and must take a ton of effort to control. I feel like you should get help but idk!! Best of luck to you man! <3
ReplyDon't know if this'll help, but it's worth looking into: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20373926
Replythe fact that you want to be good is already a huge step in the right direction. I understand the pain, just hang in there. It will get better, I promise. understand that it is impossible to do better then your best. I know it feels like that isn't enough sometimes, but you can't give up.
ReplyI know what you're going through; I see all the corruption around me - people full of hate from the top leadership of this country all the way down to the a-hole roadragers. Hate is all over, the real virus in this country, one we have no vaccine for and is with us year-round, generation after generation. I am a man of peace by nature but I know there are people out there who have witnessed so much hate in their lives and that is what they have become, a product of their environment, people who want to hurt.
Hopefully you'll rise above this desire to hurt people, hopefully you'll get counseling that will help you put things in perspective... that hurting someone is only acceptable in self-defense or defense of a loved one... not for our own gratification. And that hurting the weak and the innocent is NOT a man.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
We live in a very secular society; many of us turned off by the rituals and hypocrisy of organized religion, or by the authoritarian grip some religions have on those unfortunate souls born in certain regions of the world where they are forced to submit to the national religion or face being beheaded.
If you’ve never had a spiritual connection with God, it is a worth the effort to explore a spiritual journey.. short or long as it may be. One truth you’ll quickly realize : all the wicked and evil you see around you is done by people who don’t follow the 2 basic messages that Jesus Christ gave the world:
1. Love God first and foremost (seek his truth.. study it a little on a daily basis and your connection will grow.)
2. Love your fellowman 2nd.. meaning don’t do anything wicked or evil to people.
Matthew 22:36-40
Look to God as your refuge.. spiritually.
Hebrews 11-1
Faith is the assurance of what we hope for, conviction in what we cannot see.
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