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Reflecting has always been my greatest asset, at least that is what I am told. Though, often it acts as a double edged sword, which peels open old wounds and/or creates new ones. So, I guess to the extreme, reflecting becomes merely regretting. A negative emotion that can make living in the present seemingly impossible. There are times I dwell on matters long since concluded; mistakes I have made, times where my emotions got the better of me and the list goes on. Currently the matter that drives my head in is grades at university. Like most people, I have a mindset that 'I should be better than at least the average'. Consequently, lower than sound grades often spark the realisation that perhaps I am merely deceiving myself. Perhaps I am really just average. Yet, as they say, everyone's strengths are different. To be completely honest, this tends to feel like futile advice used to purely comfort and not be constructive by any means. This is what I feel at least. I guess this perspective derives itself from my competitive background where the only reason for non-success is due to lack of effort. Now, the other reason that my reactions to academic results may be worse than others, is because of fear of job prospects and progression in life.
Funny enough I realise these thoughts of mine are not productive. Though I just can't help be overwhelmed. Any advice would be must appreciated :)
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i want to help but we’re in the same boat LOL. (idk if this applies to you but) for me, i hold myself to these high standards and put myself under pressure and all the pain is self inflicted, it sucks. like you, i either reflect and try to improve, or reflect and dig my own pit of misery. i outsmart myself- every time i try to have an optimistic outlook or cheer myself up, i naturally put myself down again. for every bit of hope i have, is another 2 bits of self criticism. i don’t know the cure for this “personality trait,” if i did, i’d gladly share. ambition is a great but challenging trait to manage, just remember to never lower your bar. so many worries and anxieties come from stress for the future. as much as i dislike saying it: we can’t piece by piece control the future. the past is done, we can’t change anything that’s happened, but (in a sense) our future is out of our hands. in the next hour a family member could die. next week you could meet someone who will change your life and be the answer to all your problems. tomorrow, you could trip and get a concussion. anything could happen. we only have the present to deal with, so let’s make the most of it. it’s tough to accept, but sooner or later you gotta understand and “feel it in your soul” that there’s more to academics than just academics. what are the life lessons you’re learning? hardships build up our character. i had a lot of messy ideas in this comment that i hope made sense- i genuinely wish you the best and make sure to live your life not survive it :)
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