The man I could be

I could go out and try to make my life better. I could eat better, brush my teeth for once, shower regularly, get more clothes and do laundry far more frequently, stop smoking, try to fake a smile (I have a permanent frown), figure out how in the hell to connect with people, a whole bunch of stuff I know I could do, but don't.

I often wonder, who would this man look like? Would he still look like me? Would I recognize him if I saw him?

Would there be a point that a genuine smile would cross my face? Would there be a point that the mind inside wouldn't destroy everything? Would I even be me anymore? Would I start favoring one thing over another? Would people actually want me around?

That vision is so alien to me. There's no other way to put it, I see it and it's just so delusional. I could never be that man. Sure, people will say that I can. People will say that it's possible.

But the truth is that it's not. Not for me. That kind of life was never meant for me. I don't have the stomach for it, I don't have the strength for it, I don't have the courage for it.

Shit effects me and it hits in a big way. I can't just lay down my past, it's there, it's over but it's not going away. I can't forget the shit I've seen, felt or done.

I understand, on a psychological level, why I was the way I was. But I cannot break that. I've tried. I've faked it, I've believed, I've acted. It was only once, but that was enough.

I can say this much, it's ok to slip on your way. But don't let yourself slip so far that you come back down to rock bottom.

It becomes exponentially more difficult to try to get up yet again. Because now you don't have that steam of motivation behind you anymore.

You've got to painstakingly put every piece back into place, all on your own will power. Maybe you've got some outside motivations like kids, family, friends, money, I don't have those and if you break down this far, neither will you.

I've got 2 boys, I talk about them every once in a while on here. I haven't had any kind of relationship nor bond with either of them. It eats me alive all the time.

How selfish was it of me to just quit? I know I couldn't help it, my entire life was flipped upside down in a matter of days. I was losing everything and there was no way out.

So that's what I did after she bolted with our son. I just gave up. Tried to kill myself several times because I couldn't handle the pain.

Then my second son, mommy just cuts me out after he's born. Wasn't my choice, I know it shouldn't be considered my fault but it is. We were monsters together (the mother and I), she was one of those psycho girlfriends and I was a jealous dick.

This is why it's impossible for me to let go. You can't let that go, ever. It would be heartless to do so.

Not only was I selfish back in the day, but imagine how selfish I'd have to be to force my way back into either of my sons lives.

They're almost guaranteed better off without me being involved and considering there's nothing that ties me to my second son, except the bond I wish we could've had, there's nothing he is losing out on by my not being there.

I have that control tendency and it wants to gave those connections. Surely, it would be considered natural to want to be present in the lives of your offspring.

But I mean, come on! I'm a fucking mess! I have nothing! My mind is so twisted, messed up, backwards that suicide is a running joke in my mind because I can't die!!

Plus top it all off with the fact that it has literally been over 14 YEARS since I last saw my first son and it's been almost 7 since I last saw my second son!! My first is turning 17 in a month and 9 days!! He's damn near an adult and I haven't seen him since he was fucking 3!!!!!!

How is this shit supposed to fucking go away?! How am I supposed to forget that shit?! Because I can't fucking fix it!! I screw everything up, ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!

The last thing I wanna do is screw my god damn kids up even more than they already are by living in a fucking fatherless home!!!

Both feet in or both feet out!

What if I just stopped trying to have control on whether or not I'm in their lives? Well, I'll answer that for you, that's how I FUCKING GOT HERE!!

It's why I've tried to kill myself over 100 times!

Because all I EVER wanted was to have my own little family and build a nice, happy home together so I could break the cycle of abuse that I WAS FUCKING BORN INTO!!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Gotta fucking spit in my face every step of the FUCKING WAY!!

Oh hey look! He got a woman pregnant! Quick! Pull the oxytocin!! Motherfucker!

If there is a God that exists, he won't after we meet. There was and is no grand lesson nor purpose in all the suffering I was made to endure. This was for popcorn night with the bitches! Laughing on the fucking sofa while you watch your favorite show of "who fucked him up anyways"

So if you're out there, God. Fuck you! You're a dead man. Come at me bro! Fucking smite me you prick!!

And you wanna know what really cemented it in my head, that I wanted to break the cycle of abuse?

It was because when I was a little pre teen, getting the ever loving shit beat out of me. A social worker said that kids like me can only go on to make more broken homes. That it was impossible to break that cycle.

So that's what I set out to do and look where it fucking got me! I guess she was right all along. Just like my father was when he said I'd never amount to anything. Because I still haven't and at this point I'm too far gone to even try to pretend I can fix this.

I'm beaten, I'm broken. I just want out, please. That's all that I want now. I just want out.