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So I just want to let you know that I'm scared of you.
I have really tried to leave the past in the past but I have moments when it hits me and I'm struck with fears that I'll get hurt again.
What I think about constantly was how you denied that it was cheating.
That your “❤️”s, “xx”s, “come with me”s weren’t really cheating...
It just makes me wonder about everything else, all the other conversations that you've had/ are still having, that have crossed that line of respect.
Ngl after that affair I felt so fucking betrayed that I even wanted to act out of revenge and flirt with guys just to make you feel the way I did.
A betrayal like that really screwed with my head, my self-esteem and my worth.
After all those months of us being together, it honestly felt like they didn't mean anything at all to you, that I didn't mean anything at all to you, for you to go behind my back the way you did.
Not once did you even mention her name to me when I’ve foolishly been the one who’s told you about every guy who hits me up.
Whatever. I didn't care about who you were talking to. It just hurt that you didn't even bring me up at ALL, even though there were multiple opportunities for you to tell her.
But no.
I was just "the friend".
The secret.
Why were you trying to hide me? Was I not good enough? Did I not excite you enough that you had to go and seek (romantic) attention from another girl?
And for 10 days of talking to her too....14th June - 24th June.
Can you believe I still remember the dates of when you started talking to her again...that's how much it hurts.
You had 10 days to tell me...
I never once imagined you to be that guy. Ever. To keep things hidden from me. To make me feel like I was crazy.
I never wanted to be close and vulnerable with any guy out of fear of getting hurt and then you... my first boyfriend, had to be the one to inflict that pain on me within only the first few months of us dating.
In just months...
The same month when you came over and I introduced you to my family, my parents. The first boy I ever brought inside my home.
How is it that same month when you were so busy with work and assignments, you somehow still managed to find time to message that girl almost everyday?
And ever since then, I have always doubted, and can't help but doubt.
Since then, I cant even count how many times I have checked your profile to see your new followers and the girls you have been following back.
What has triggered these intense emotions now is the fact that you're still following her 2nd account.
Its hard to let it go when I just keep remembering the context of the conversations between you and Her.
When I keep remembering your blatant denial.
All the emotions I felt... the disgust, the anger, the pain, etc... Its debilitating.
Add to it, the fact that you even tried to get me to trust you after you Lied to my face.
I just somehow knew deep down that things didn't add up but I betrayed my own gut instinct for you.
For you.
You - Someone whom I thought I trusted. Someone whom I thought was loyal and valued loyalty above all else.
But you lied.
I Hate that you lied.
You could have come clean when I confronted you or confessed to it that same night when I came back home but what breaks my heart is that it took me to Add her (4 days later) for you to finally tell me half of the truth.
Half of it.
And for her to end up being the one to tell me everything else...
Sending me screenshots of everything else...
If she was just a friend and, if what you guys talked about "wasn't really cheating" then how come I wasn't brought up at all? How come your "girlfriend" wasn't brought up at all?
How come that even She saw your comments as flirting? Your remarks about interest in her life, her church, her hair, her career goals, etc.. as Flirting? Why is it that you failed to see it as flirting?
Did you even want to be with me?
Did you ever really care for me as much as I cared for you then?
To lie to my face...
Lying to my face while you were making love to me just days before on the 19th in your car.
Lying to her that you were with me on the 19th.
Lying while you were texting her that same night.
Lying to my face just seconds before I drove home crying with tears rolling down my face when I left T's house.
It drives me insane when I compare the dates and the times you texted her and how it coincided with texting me side-by-side.
Times when you didn't even reply to me but you made time to reply to her.....as if I was the side bitch.
Was it because she was fairer than me? Younger than me? Skinnier than me? Godlier than me?
What did she have that I didnt??
I cant stand feeling like this.
I can't stand it with the constant lies...
Naturally my mind goes to the conversations you're currently having with your ex. Thinking about if they are still of that flirty nature...if you still call her "love" and “babe" too...
It saddens me to say that I have trust issues now because of you.
Trust issues because you covered it up So Well.
Lied to my face So Well.
Made me second-guess my intuition So Well.
It worries me when I wonder if there’s more you haven’t been truthful about ever since the start of our relationship.
If this happened within months of us dating, of course I’m apprehensive about what else will happen 1, 2, 3...10 years down the line.
If it will make you want to cover up your tracks more discreetly the next time.
So yea Idk if I will ever move on completely.
At this point I'm just laying in wait, anticipating another blow so that I don't flinch again.
So I just want to let you know that I'm scared of you.
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u dont deserve him. u deserve a man who sees your worth. and as of his so called friend, if she has some respect with u and your boyfriend, she could simply just make her distance. that dude needs to man the fk up. i know its hard for u since u love him and u got attached so deeply. but please, u gotta remind yourself how much he disrespects u
ReplyI really appreciate the support. Needed to hear this <3
Replyleave his bitch ass now cause he will continue to manipulate you and lie to you and you will only get more attached and insecure and it will b harder to leave him. know your worth and make him know your worth
ReplyThanks so much for the support <3 Tbh there are so many more red flags that I have overlooked over the good qualities he has, but I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve better
Reply