I think I might be bipolar

In the start of 8th grade I started to have weird symptoms. I didn’t realize it was weird to get really hyper sometimes to the point where you feel on top of the world and can do anything. I had really bad social anxiety so talking to people was hard so when I got hyper and could talk to anyone, I started realizing something was off. I can’t really remember if I had something like depressive episodes because for the majority of the school year I was in such a frazzled state that from my anxiety disorders. It was the same in 9th grade tik except sometimes people would tell me I looked sad or somedays I’d walk into class and not want to or be able to do any of my class work.

Things seemed to have developed a lot more after 9th grade. I still can’t tell if maybe it’s just my anxiety disorders since I don’t medication and I don’t go to therapy (both out of choice) but I don’t think it is.

But since we’ve had this whole global pandemic, ive been home all the time so my anxiety doesn’t get triggered nearly as often and I have more ability to do things as I please without much consequence like getting sent to the principal for not doing my work.

I’m 15 and in 11th grade right now. Since the new school year started, I’ve changed to an only online school that doesn’t run on a specific schedule. (Which is so much easier for me)

(TRIGGER WARNING)**

But for 2 weeks or so, I just don’t do any of my work and am in what I’m assuming is a depressive state? It’s not extreme to the point where I will attempt suicide but I become overwhelmed with such hatred for this world and the people in it, decide I don’t belong here, think about specific notes I’ll leave for my family and friends, become under or overly emotional, extremely irritable, paranoid, have no motivation whatsoever, loss of appetite, dissociation, contemplate or decide to cut off my friends, and everything feels like it requires such extreme effort.

And then comes the hyperactive mood for 2-4 days when I will complete a full class in my school in one day, decide to learn a new language, decide to pick up a new hobby, will excessively clean, dance, talk, read, become social, believe I am extremely unique and that everyone will love me as soon as they meet me, feel really pretty and just have a high self image, need 4 hours of sleep at most, buy things on amazon that I don’t need, start watching 10 different shows on Netflix without ever finishing them, make a ton of plans with my friends and actually enjoy them, laugh about everything and feeling overjoyed, think of new ideas that I think will work extremely well, etc. I don’t really become impulsive, like when I buy things, I’ll make sure I have the money for it and I have I ask my parents if it’s okay so reckless spending isn’t something I’m worried about. Eventually after I stop being hyper, I fall off of the hobby, forget everything I learned in the new language and can’t find the motivation to schoolwork or even talk to family and friends.

But like 3 (non consecutive) days of the week, my day will go like this: wake up feeling normal, maybe watch a movie. And then something in the movie triggers me to ether be extremely hyper or really distressed, numb or dissociate for like 3 hours. And then I’ll just calm down and feel normal until maybe 9 or 11pm when I randomly become extremely hyper and really just want to talk to someone and dance and run around with them. Or I’ll start doing my school work eventually I’ll calm down again or become really upset and fall asleep at 1am.

I don’t know what it is. Everyone tells me that’s not normal. I can’t tell if I have Bipolar II or if it’s something else but I’m too scared to talk to my psychiatrist because I don’t have schedules appointments anymore and I don’t think she would know what it is/ be qualified to diagnose this because I think she’s just a psychiatrist for treating child anxiety disorders. I’ve taken like 4 different online bipolar tests over the course of quarantine since February and the tests always say I show a lot of symptoms and should definitely talk to a psychiatrist. But I refuse to bring this up with my parents as they are toxic people and I have no interest in sharing person information with them. I feel like I’m pretty self sustaining and have learned not to need them anyway. The thing is I’ve heard bipolar gets worse if left untreated and I’m not interested in it getting worse. As much as I would like to know what I have and get it diagnosed, I don’t want to take medication or do therapy. I feel stuck, like sure I can continue just living my life because it’s fine how it is but I don’t know if I SHOULD continue living like this.

Thanks for reading, have a good day :)