A friend and a crush: Joy

Joy is what I feel around him. It worries me in a way, I feel good around him and it worries me to feel good I think, especially in romantic situations. I know I have trouble letting myself be happy. I’ve hardly seen anything good happen from getting swept away in a person, so I’ve done my best to keep my head on my shoulders, and I’ve done so for almost a year now. But I wonder if this is the feeling I keep hearing about, and I keep rubbing my hands to calm myself down but I’ve never smiled more. He’s truly my friend and it makes me happy to talk to him. He’s kind to others, extremely smart, witty, and has good relationships with his family. We have similar senses of humor, share, support each other, help if we can. We’re almost always on the same page, in synch usually. The other day I mentioned he didn’t seem to be sleeping well because he was texting me a few hours later than usual, and it caught him a little off guard that I noticed because he hadn’t yet. I haven’t known very many people who bring as much light to my life as he does. Things just seemed to fall into place. We sat down together at a bus stop for thirty minutes and hardly exchanged words, but we couldn’t stop stealing glances at each other. Some of the words were me asking if he’d like gum when I saw he was still staring. I had the immediate gut feeling that he was potentially a good friend, a feeling I’ve only had with my best friends and my first love. It was weird; he got up to leave first and I almost felt a loss, like I needed to talk to him, but I brushed it off. I did find him attractive and he seemed to be friendly, but he looked too old for me anyways, and I knew I was attracted to him as a partner so I let it go. I had a dream about him that night, and he told me details about himself that I wouldn’t know for months, and that he was actually my age. Even stranger, it later turned out that we were in the same group project. I felt him staring, and I went over to ask if he was the guy I’d sat with a week ago, knowing full well that he was, and we’ve been talking ever since. All details told to me in the dream have since checked out. We definitely consider each other friends at least, and if that’s all this is, I’ll be fine, I’m glad to know him, and I love banter with him. But it really is something. We haven’t seen each other since March due to Covid, but have continued to talk at a regular frequency. Occasionally he’ll text me and tell me he was thinking of me and ask what I’m up to, and it makes me feel so soft inside. He’s told me he thinks of me when he wakes up (though not as explicitly as that lol, implied through a joke) and I’m usually the last person he talks to before going to sleep. There is just such a soft warmness between us, and I really do try to give him a space to be soft because we’re both oldest siblings and I know the weight of that and I’m aware that he’s probably not given as many chances to be soft as I am. He tried to downplay his phobias when we first met and I picked up on one of them, and seemed almost shocked and relieved when I told him I was in no position judge. He really gives me the impression that he likes me as a person, and I appreciate that with my whole heart. I think I’ve picked up on times he’s found me to be physically attractive, but it’s not what it’s all about; we’re friends and it’s wonderful! I do find him incredibly handsome and attractive, and I’ve tried my best to tell him so without possibly making him uncomfy if a friendship is all he wants. I miss seeing him in person and hugging him goodbye. He smelled like the forest in winter, and I find myself longing for the winter we met in, and if not for the beauty of winter, to just see him in person again. It’s been almost a year since we met. And I’m not sure about it, but we may have went on a date in early spring. Day he finally asked for my number and if I was free over the weekend after he walked me home was the day we were getting sent home because of corona though we didn’t know it, in some quirk of timing. Certainly felt date-like; walk in the park, a movie, dinner. We talked for something like ten hours. I saw him fussing over his hair before he spotted me when we met up, I thought it was sweet. We actually ran into a friend of mine, and he didn’t seem overtly jealous or anything, but I did notice a bit of tentative curiosity when he asked me later how we knew each other, and some relief when I mentioned that we’re friends. At one point I was putting things away and noticed him looking at me with a small smile and his kind eyes. I asked what he was looking at, and he said that he just liked to watch me work. He didn’t move to kiss me at the end of that day, just hugged me one last time, and I feel maybe he could be doing the same thing I’m doing; just trying not to cross any boundaries if they just want friendship, but maybe not making it clear enough that they’re interested. It did kinda throw me that we didn’t go beyond hugging, but my roommate who had walked by seen me see him off mentioned that to her, it looked like he really wanted to kiss me. And I worry about the timing, starting a relationship long distance. But there’s little things you know; how he’s sure to tell me that he appreciates me and always made an effort to be present, how he seemed to still when I went to fix his bracelet and smiled at me when I looked up, the gentle teasing, how I’ll call him darling or babe offhandedly (though this is common for some women to address men this way where we live, and I will note that he doesn’t go there). The language he uses feels telling as well; “I’ll let you set the pace so you’re comfortable”, “wow im really attracted to this thing you sent me” are examples of things he probably wouldn’t say with that wording to anyone else based off of what I’ve been able to see of him, and hint to attraction. He’s outwardly called me sweet and had indicated that he thinks I’m cute too. His friends seemed to gently tease him for spending so much time with me, and both he and his friends have made a point in front of me to mention that he’s not interested in other people who keep hitting on him. I miss the way we’d stand together, turned a little toward’s each other, him leaning over me and me a towards him. Overall though we seem to match each other, as in we have similar morals and values, methods of showing appreciation, interests, and both are apt to sharing, supporting, and overall befriending one another. I’m glad to know him. As honestly god awful as things have been with Covid, I look forward to seeing him, and I miss being around him. I just hope that we can get to see each other again