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I feel like I have a darker energy than he does, and it makes me nervous. He has this driven and moving, open, kind, friendly energy, and it brought me to him, I liked that about him. I have a very steadfast, thoughtful, caring, powerful energy (as I’m told), and I worry that I’m an energy vampire for him or something, to like being around him like that. I always give him space; we’re both independent people, but somehow I still feel almost clingy even if we talk maybe once or twice a day for twenty minutes tops. Liking his company so much feels almost uncomfortable to me. I like talking to him, he’s my friend, and I think he likes talking to me too. I’m aware though that I have traumas he doesn’t relate to, but is willing to listen to me about if I want to share. And I worry because he’s so wonderful you know, he’s so bright, he literally glows. And when I’m around him, I feel like I’m glowing too. His energy is so playful and kind, and I don’t want to like... almost infect him with how I am. I think how we were as early teenagers may speak to how we are now; I was a goth stem kid, and he was a colorful art kid. I know that I’m not a monster or anything, I just have a hard time visualizing myself positively. And it’s a strange thing. I know I’m good aligned. I always think about what I’m doing, and go far out of my way to support others. And if I mess up, by god do I apologize. But whenever we’re together and I find myself laughing and returning his light back at him, I wonder how long it’ll last. I may suffer imposter syndrome about being happy. I feel like I’m not being honest somehow, to be as happy as I am around him. He’s my friend and I care about him. I can come to romantically love him, and I’m fearful because I think that maybe he could come to love me too. I think we have a mutual crush within our friendship that keeps growing closer, but neither of us can move on it because of covid. I’m recovering from trauma and depression, and I’m getting better all the time. I’ve gotten so much better. But I feel sometimes like I’ll be healing my whole life, and I don’t want him to feel like tricked or anything by how well I seem to be doing if this is going to be long term. I know I’m more than he may want to deal with, I worry maybe he’ll sign on board to be with me without knowing how it could be to have a partner who is depressed even with as much as i try to almost warn him away from it. I’m scared of him rejecting me, even as a friend, knowing how I am, it would hurt, though I suppose it would be better than getting us in over our heads down the line. I worry I’ll never be enough. I know he’s not perfect either, but I feel fundamentally a little screwed up, and I worry about not being worthy of love in a way. I’m not broken, I’m not damaged goods. But sometimes, internally, I feel that way about myself, and I feel like maybe it’s better if I stay alone. It hurts because I ache to be with him specifically, and I’ve hardly ever felt that way about anyone. I sometimes feel like the happiness he pulls out of me isn’t real; it just feels so unlike anything I’ve felt in my whole life. And I don’t want to come to rely on him for it, because that’s altogether unhealthy. He and I have a similar energy and rhythm to me and my best friends; I know that the love between me and my best friends is real. It’s the romantic context that throws me though, I know this could be serious, and I’d never forgive myself if I hurt him. I worry about destining us to fail, just by being how I am. He’s my friend, and I care about him and his well being. I know it could be hard on him to be in a relationship with someone mentally ill who doesn’t have as good of a family life or monetarily well off. I know I’m neat in other ways: I’m smart in a lot of ways, I communicate well, I have a real knack for reading situations, independent, supportive, and I know a lot about travel. I’m cool in my own way. But I feel like weighing “a really good friend who is overall a cool person” with “recovering from mental illness and has previously self sabotaged romantic relationships because she had a bad relationship with herself” doesn’t even out. I know I don’t self sabotage anymore, but I literally would really rather avoiding hurting him. Sometimes when we talk, he tells me that I sell myself short. I’m not so sure. I know that I’m more easy going around him because we have a fundamental sense of respect and almost kinship. I’ve spent the most time with myself and feel my image of myself is perhaps, and no pun intended, depressingly accurate. Out of the two of us, I know I’m not the optimist, though I’m willing to put the work in to fix things to feel more practically optimistic about things. And as much as I say all these things, we’re certainly not incompatible. We communicate and joke, we’re peers, we have similar values and morals and beliefs. I think he finds my as attractive as I find him, personally and physically speaking. He likes how grounded and insightful I can be, and he’s said that he finds himself more grounded and insightful around me. So maybe we just feed different parts of each other we wish we had more of. I feed his slower energy, and he feeds my faster energy so to speak. I just don’t want to pass him my sadness. I know sometimes people fall in love with certain qualities, and fall out of love for the same things. I worry he’ll like me for these qualities now and hate me for them later. I know I’m recovering my self esteem and I may need more of it if I’m talking like this. But I’m just trying to be realistic, as negative as it sounds. I know it’s not my choice to make for him, if he wants to stay. I’ll keep the door open. I wish I felt normal. I wish I could fall for him like normal people do, like Real people do. It feels like a dream, to be happy with him. I just wish I felt like this was my life.
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maybe your thinking is to holistic. Maybe you aren't as connected as yous think if you cant talk to him?
ReplyMaybe not. I don’t want to like, shove him into giving me hypothetical answers when I don’t even know if he likes me that way. Definitely at least close friends though
ReplySometimes in life we are given opportunities and a lot of the time we don't take them but taking a leap of faith is better than a leap of doubt every great move forward in your life begins with a leap of faith, a step into the unknown.
ReplyYou’re right, and maybe being loved is to take a chance into being known. Thank you for your words
Reply