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I hate being different. I always knew that I was different than other kids, and I'm different than everyone my age now to. I don't want to talk about the same things that everyone else is talking about, and I don't know what any of their conversations are about most of the time. So I choose to stay quiet because I don't know what to say, and I don't want to be judged because what I say might be different than what they want to talk about. I'm always more socially awkward, and shy than everyone else and it feels like I just want the floor to swallow me up every time someone looks at me weird, like I shouldn't even be involved in their hangouts. Whenever I feel that I might be put into a situation where I have to talk to someone one-on-one I leave as fast as possible so I don't have to embarrass myself. When I do say something to someone I feel like I shouldn't have said anything because then I feel like what I said sounded weird. I see the people i'm around talking to others so easily, and then when they talk to me they change their whole demeanor like they might catch my weirdness or something. I know that i'm not the most fun person to talk to, but it just makes me feel like less of a person when they can talk and laugh with everyone else so easily. I know that i'm different and that's ok, but sometimes I wish socializing came as easy for me as it does for others. I can't change who I am, because I have tried many times. I was put in 3 different sports and felt embarrassed and filled with anxiety in all of them. I tried to make friends and failed because we had nothing in common, or I was left out of their groups because I wasn't like everyone else. I feel like I can be myself, and i'm not so weird around my family members but someday in life I have to go out into the real world and no one is going to want to be friends or talk to the weird girl. I want to change and show people the person that I actually am, but it's so hard when I actually come face to face with someone and it's like I just lose all thought process and have no idea what to say to them. It's terrible and I feel stupid every single time I act this way. Why can't I just act like a normal socialized person? I go out to places and i'm around people all of the time, yet I still feel like a weirdo in every social situation in my life. It's a constant battle with myself and I never win. Whenever someone stares at me or is looking at me I feel like I want to run out of the room because it makes me so nervous. Most days I want to be left alone because the safest I feel is in my own company where i'm not scared of being judged and I don't have to feel like I have to prove anything to anyone. Just a normal, everyday conversation or phrase feels like the hardest thing in the world for me. I'm trapped in this box and the real me never gets out of it. I hate to feel the way I do but the only person that i'll ever be friends with is my own thoughts and myself.
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