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What can I accomplish in 5 minutes today?
It's a question that seems like such a small task, yet depression can make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I just got rid of the little bit of trash that had accumulated. 5 minutes and it was done. It's so hard to believe in things anymore, it's getting confusing in my head.
The overall goal of recovery is to stop obsessing over the past and yet, we lose so many things and people along the way that it can be impossible to let go.
They say that the past is in the past, it's over now. Though when you think about it, every second that slips by is technically the past and life is still racing forward.
It is unforgiving and apathetic to you or your struggles. Life has no care about how you feel, it just keeps marching like a soldier obsessed with battle.
Yet, one cannot have time if you never take it. Taking that time for whatever purpose, for yourself, for clarity, for love or hate, for greed or passion, for whatever it is and even when we remain stuck in the past, we are taking that time to remember. Taking too much time causes harm, emotionally and existentially.
There is a time to remember, but also a time to be moving forward and that is something that has been swirling inside my head recently.
Technically, I don't have a reason to be depressed. I've got a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back and a bit of money in my bank.
But it's the things I don't have that I focus on the most. Love, connection, friendship, passion, romance, purpose.
The obsession with not having these things causes me to feel worthless and thus I don't pursue them. Creating a never ending self fulfilling prophecy of destruction and despair.
I find it ironic that it feels so wrong to pursue anything that might benefit me, while I feel bad about not having anything that benefits me.
It's not wrong to do things that will benefit you, so long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else in the process. Yet, even if you do, it's in the past, right?
You can be better tomorrow, right? Though that doesn't mean to go out of your way to hurt others. If it happens by accident, that can be forgiven in certain circumstances. But not in all.
It's confusing to me and that confusion does me no favors, so it's just a maladaptive thought process that needs to be eliminated or altered.
We're supposed to have an efficient mind that can sense every point and react appropriately. Though acting inappropriately is a fast track to getting you disliked or even hated.
You're not supposed to care what others think of you, but still be aware enough to know when you're in need of change. Which really only comes to light when others judge you.
I've never really understood how all this works and I've never really cared to understand it until recently. Because I'd like to know what it feels like to be actually loved and wanted in a healthy way.
It's such a narrow path and there are so many dips, curves and dead ends that you can come across but you're supposed to stay on this one path if you want to have a healthy, happy life.
The even bigger twist, you get to decide what that path looks like. It doesn't have to involve romance or family or friends or anything, it's entirely up to you.
Going too far down that path is negative however and can be seen as sociopathic or narcissistic. Our own nature has tendencies that borderline these 2 things and going too far off one end will get you nowhere, while the other may lead to you getting what you want but at the expense of others.
It's confusing and it's stupid. It is needlessly complicated to stay on this path to happiness or peace because eventually you will fall off or you will be pushed off. But that's what life is, right?
"It's not about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"
Sometimes I feel like I'll never understand people and this way of society. I hate that I can't naturally be like everyone else. People will say to not be ashamed of being different, yet if you're the one living it, it becomes painfully obvious. You have 2 choices, either you can hate society for it's ways, or you begin to hate yourself for your inability to find your place among them.
Either way, it just becomes another distraction of depression and you waste all that energy never changing. It's the major aspect that leads me to feel like I never really was that smart. Because if I were smart, I would've figured out how to find my place, but I couldn't.
So now I'm trying again and time will tell how far I will go, because I can't just live in the moment. I have to live within the next 5 minutes to an hour at a time.
To stop complaining about the things I lack and change them. Because that's how winning is done, right?
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It's like life is one big oxymoron after the next! Your writing is exactly how I've been feeling all day. Very powerful.
ReplyI'm sorry that you understand how it feels. I know I wouldn't wish it on anyone
ReplyI agree, "life is unforgiving and apathetic to you or your struggles." Life can be very cruel from the first time we take our first breath to the very last.
Try to stop complaining about the things you lack and change them or learn to accept them. Fall in love with the process of life. Life is fleeting and before you know it, it'll be over. I would encourage you to pursue your desires and to love the process that is the pursuit of your desires. Think about great athletes, most don't just wake up with great skills, they hone them through countless hours of practice. They must love the grueling processes of practice and preparation in order for them to be the best they can be when it matters most. Enjoy the small moments and especially the interactions with other people. Small talk can turn into finding a mate, a friend, or even a great job.
You need to figure out why do you have such an obsession with the past? Is there something in your past that's making it hard for you to move forward with the future?
Maximize the time you have left. Before you know it, you will be old and physically or mentally unable to pursue these things. Life by itself can be difficult so learn to be grateful for those things that you do have. Think of those that have to risk their lives, or do unsafe or illegal jobs just to have food, or a roof over their head.
ReplyThere ya go! I had hoped you'd see something in this, granted my focus on recommending it wasn't for myself, though I do agree with you.
I'm in a similar position as you, people I still hold onto that have gone from my life and thats why I suggested this to you.
So you can see some of the outcome, should you continue that same form of obsession.
ReplyDo your dishes. That might take 5 minutes.
ReplyThat is done. For today anyway
Reply