Rant and ramble

I wish my dad would quit being so mean and heartless to me. I mean I am human. Mocks me and talks crap to and about me as soon as he wakes up. He just brings black clouds on my day. I was only talking to mom in a low tone voice and he gets up with a sour💩 attitude towards and with me. I woke up depressed 😔 already this morning as he treated me disrespectful before I went to sleep last night. Will he ever change how he treats me? Idk. His parents never treated him like absolute 💩 like he has me. Not to my knowledge just gave him what he deserved for doing drugs and other stuff....but not for no reason like he has me. I have feelings too I am human after all. Im just tired being treated so badly. I've done nothing to deserve it. Just wish he knew how it feels to be me. I'd be 1000 miles away from him if I could he's just that toxic unstable manipulative using abusing etc. Idk. I was already pissed from last night and he wakes up being a jerk again. He really needs to be humbled somehow. I really don't know how to feel for or about him after all he's done to me past and present. I mean I could've started run my mouth and made all hell break loose. But for what? Because he's a blowhard miserable ass? I just had to walk away... despite still being depressed and hurting. He refuses to apologize about anything he does or has ever done to me. Such as the physical abuse. If you think that less of your child well you know one day you'll meet God. You claim not to remember calling me names when you're drunk putty me and mom through hell and can't handle the truth about it when I told him how he acted he talked in overriding voice because he didn't wanna hear it and can't handle the truth. Well idk all I know is I never should have been put though any of this to begin with period. God knows what youve done to me whether you choose to acknowledge any of it or not. I just hope he gets what he deserves one day for making my life hell. It's not like I enjoy living with him or anything. He's unbelievably petty.

Last night I kept having flashbacks of the times moments where he yelled jumped on top of me and beat me. I wish that stuff hadn't happened to me. Its like since he no longer has hardly any material possessions left from pawning them all from years of drug use (including my own Playstation s Nintendo Gameboy and games, late grandfathers knives which were mine) bad credit, untouchable by bill collectors, it just seems like there's nothing that can be done to him to make pay or change other than reporting his fraudulent disability that hes been receiving many years. Meanwhile I had everything I ever worked for bummed conned manipulated etc out if me. Then once my use was gone to him it's like I'm a discarded candy bar wrapper to him. I didn't go to work just to slave in a hot steel factory so he could just party it up at my expense...him and mom both. But they did. My aunt 2 of them knew how they were before I delivered them out if homelessness but wouldn't tell me. Then when I tell one all dad has ever done is put me through hell she cuts off all communication for no reason. I haven't deserved this stuff in life. And since they've involved me in their web of lies I can.t ever tell a counselor the real truth of what's going on because that jack ass isn't supposed to be living here and is. They're like "oh no well go to prison". I've been driven to the point of not caring and about to turn him in because sometimes it feels like not much matters else anyhow. Idk I've just been put through too much. And no I'm not enabling comments since trolls have mocked me in the past and I don't need that. What I need is a caring loving human being that I can open up to fully...but sadly all they wanna do is run away or hate me for no reason or get mad and huffy such as my counselor who I guess is no longer counseling me anymore back in June. What happened to me is I'm tied being treated like shit and other people just expect me to take it but then deny it if I call them out on it like I'm crazy like my mom did a few minutes ago. What bullshit she was right there when it happened and turned around and denied it. I give up. 😔

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