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I've always had extreme difficulty with relationships. A few of those relationships lasted years. My longest was 7 years. Second longest was technically 5 years and my third longest was 2 years. The remaining 7 or 8 relationships I've had lasted less than a year, with a couple ending within 2 weeks.
A similar, but far more severe example follows with professional relationships and employment. The longest was technically a year with over 60 different jobs in the span of about 6 years, most lasting less than a week.
Familial relationships are almost entirely nonexistent. The only family member I have anything to do with is my brother. The vast majority of the rest of my family was cut off because most of them had inflicted some form of trauma onto me.
So any kind of relationship is exceedingly difficult for me, though romantic ones take the cake. Of the 9 or so relationships I've had, every single one resulted in me proposing within 2 weeks or so, because you know... that was my ultimate goal, to get married and that would somehow guarantee they'd never leave. Which is that aggressive fear of abandonment coming into action.
I've be categorized as obsessive by several of my partners, if not all of them at some point or another. Especially once the oxytocin starts to die down and affection becomes steadily less available, which will make me freak the fuck out and I'll just stop doing everything.
I won't be sweet no more, I won't try to get that affection in most cases, I'll have frequent thoughts of suicide (something that doesn't normally occur while I'm in a relationship, until it begins to devolve), I can sometimes come off as possessive, I've worked on that a lot and I'd like to think I've beaten it back a ton, but it still won't stop freak outside when I'm being lied to or something isn't feeling right.
Which can prompt me to raise my voice in a very particular way. It's hard to explain, it's like my voice suddenly becomes a megaphone. I'm not yelling, per se. But make no mistake, when it happens, my voice can be heard throughout neighborhoods.
The last time it happened, I wasn't even consciously trying to do it. In fact, every time it has occurred has been out of my control. But even then, it literally echoed through other people's apartments and you could hear it echo and feel it through the floor.
I was upset, distraught. My then girlfriend had lied to me several times and I tried talking to her, tried to tell her how her choices effected me. But it was all wasted breath.
In the past, I had even gotten physical with 2 previous relationships. Something that still haunts my mind, many years later.
Suffice it to say I'd do anything to not feel like I'm being abandoned and if I even get a sense that it might be coming, I'll shut entirely down. Which drags the final few weeks or months out in a very painful way, by the end I'm always left confused, suicidal and destroyed.
Though my relationships weren't always a hellscape. No, when things start off, I'm the perfect partner. You don't feel like cooking? I'll cook! You don't feel like doing the dishes? Let me! You need money for gas or your phone? I'll literally sell my blood just to pay it for you! I will go to any ends to make sure that you are satisfied in every way I can possibly fulfill.
So you can see how extreme of a change that'd be. Going from super affectionate and caring to that one moment when I feel like you're about to leave and the script flips. I stop doing everything.
In previous relationships, I'd start getting excessively jealous and possessive. I'd start accusing my partner of cheating almost daily, if not every conversation. I'm so afraid to be abandoned that it makes people want to abandon me!
When it comes to self image, you're god damn right I have self image issues and self worth issues! Hell, even right now! I can tell you hands down that I am worth less than everyone else who has ever lived.
I can say that without a doubt because of some of the shit I've put my past partners through. I've always had a really bad self image, most frequently I refer to myself as "something" or "monster". Because that's what I am. It's who I've been.
In terms of impulsivity, yep! I have never had good control over spending habits. Even in this past year, I've spent probably closes to $5,000 on fast food. Not kidding. Even though I've got food I can make at home!! Ive even got food stamps!!
But i collect SSI and so does my brother, so it was ok for me to spend $500-600 on fast food every month!! Why not?! FUCK ME!! and of COURSE I regret it! OF COURSE i do.
But it's not just spending habits either. I've gone from one relationship to the next, to the next, to the next in the last 7 years, I've had 4 relationships with a total of about 3 months time in between ALL of them. That's not 3 months between each one, that's the TOTAL amount of time I was single.
Though I've currently been single now for 9 months consecutively. It's been driving me insane to be single . I hate it, I HATE it, I HATE IT!!
Recurring suicidal behavior; I've attempted suicide well over 100 times and there isn't a day that goes by that it doesn't cross my mind at least once.
Affective instability due to a marked reactive mood; gee, does that sound like anyone you know around here??? Uh... DUH!!
Chronic feelings of emptiness; therapist: so how empty do you feel today
Me: yes
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger: yep, all my damn FUCKING life! Why?! Because FUCK ME, that's why!
Transient, stress related paranoid ideations or severe dissociative symptoms: check, check and CHECK!
But hey, im don't actually have BPD, nah! Because my insurance won't cover it so it just doesn't matter! Let's just sweep all that shit under the rug because that's helpful! DRRRRRRRR
FAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!
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You seem to know what is wrong with yourself and a good therapist will help you right yourself. That is unless you can do it alone. You suck at suiciding so don't try it again. It must be the most time wasting thing you have done. You jump in and out of relationships and jobs like you get in and out of bed. So you have a problem staying in a situation. Do you think this is because there is always a way out of these things in the first place. You maybe see relationships and jobs as sort of tunnels that you enter in one end, do this and that in them, and then leave out of the other end. All of these things are certainly not dead end streets. You can't commit yourself yet in a relationship so you propose marriage after two weeks. Of course you must realize that it is much too soon for that sort of thing and the poor darling will say. "No!' And be shocked. So that gets the proposal out of the way nice and early. Now you can do this and that and leave through the tunnel exit. BUT you walk out feeling distraught, confused, and suicidal. Would you feel better if you have yet another failed suicide attempt written in your diary? Oh yes, and you hate being alone. We mustn't forget about hating to be alone must we.
You are your own worst enemy. You ruin everything for yourself. You really need to set yourself onto a different path. A much more solid and sensible attitude is needed for this. I want you to write down what it is that you go about doing the right way in your life. Then write down what it is that you go about doing the wrong way which is all of your post. Now with pen and paper right the wrongs by working out WHY you do these things to mess yourself up so much. Then write what different ways that you can handle these situations.
ReplyI've studied my actions way too much. I've only ever walked away from one relationship on my own. The rest were ended by the respective partner. Surprisingly, I haven't actually had to many women say "no" when I propose.
Why would they? I treat them like a goddess for the most part, until I get the feeling they're gonna leave.
It was kind of the same with jobs. But commitment was far harder for me in a professional setting. Same reasons, if I felt like something was wrong or I did something wrong, I'd walk off. End of story. It's been years since I've had work. So it hasn't been as prevalent as in years past.
But there are multiple sources of distress that I'm aware of that will make me close myself off.
If I feel like I'm being attacked, abandoned or rejected. It doesn't even have to be factual. I just have to think it
Mine is a particular case. You'd think it was a sob story, if you knew my background. But honestly, I am so tired of being told to focus on that. I've done what I could with all the trauma I endured as a kid. Nothing else can be done about it.
I'm just not the same as everyone else. I can't function the way everyone else does and that kills me inside.
I honestly don't know anymore. I don't know what to change or how to change it and everything is so needlessly complicated that I can't even begin to scratch the surface.
I know I'm intelligent, I can solve some problems. But I can't do it on the same level as everyone else. I can't be "life smart". I've never been.
I can say one thing, for the vast majority of my life, I've known what the proper roads were supposed to be.
I was supposed to have a regular job, I was supposed to move out on my own, I was supposed to maintain friendships, I was supposed to build networks, I was supposed to date a woman for a year or 2 then ask her to marry me, then I was supposed to become a father.
If one domino should fall, all would fall. That's the way society has it set up. I can't function like that.
But back in my younger years, I didn't care. I set out with what I wanted in mind and that remained my sole focus.
I can't blame that on my childhood. Most of my regrets and anguish stem from my adult life and choices. Seeing how hard it is for me to even fathom trying to function the way everyone else does.
That's why I'm lesser than all of you. I am worth less than all of you. Because I'm just a defective prototype that somehow managed to survive.
Oh and I don't suck at suicide, I suck at dying. Over half the things I've tried SHOULD have killed me. I SHOULD be dead. But I'm not.
I'm still here, despite my best efforts. Sorry for such a lengthy reply but I felt there were some misconceptions about what I had posted. If you're gonna agree with me that I'm a monster, make sure to keep your facts squared away. Or don't.
ReplyYou can manage one issue at a time. First on your self. Believe in yourself. Think about your good attitude and good actions. The reason why someone get attracted to you. You need to feel good about yourself so that you can overcome all the challenges in your life. Then everything will follows. Think the domino effect in a brighter way. Don't be too hard on yourself. While you're single, think of all the things that you wanna do. Like a bucket list. Work can be stressful so try to calm yourself like listening to music. You have your own goals. Achieve all of them one by one. I BELIEVE IN YOU ^_^
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