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I feel stuck. I know we had a complicated past. We've always felt feelings towards each other since we were kids. I wasn't always the best and you know that too, but I made those mistakes as a 13 year old kid. I didn't know what I was doing, I don't think anyone has a grip on what they want at that age. I knew there was something different about you and I didn't know to handle it. Even as years passed, through all the skype dates and your visits, we were still entwined as if we were made from the same thread. We dated outside of each others lives and lived through a lot of different experiences and still why is it that we still feel something? There came a point where we were hanging out a lot after you had a break up and I really thought it was going somewhere. I still don't feel like you took advantage of me because we have always had some deeper understanding of what this was without really knowing what it actually is. I'm still sorry for going off, I had a lot on my mind and felt betrayed in a way and that's super unfair to you. You still didn't know exactly what you wanted and that's more than okay. When I messaged you on tumblr I truly didn't expect a reply. I knew you were in what looked like a happy relationship and I was so very happy for you and I kind of felt the romantic feelings for you fade with the excitement of your life turning out so well with someone that seemed to love you so much. I really was happy with how happy you looked with him. I was happy with the thought of you growing away from me in that sense, I was excited to be friends with you and I think that's still what I want. Even after all this time, even after everything we've been through I do not hate you for anything that's happened. I don't wish things went different as we probably wouldn't be the same people we are today. I want to thank you for giving this friendship a chance, but why did you have to tell me you still loved me? Why after all this time did your heart still reach out to me? Why am I still the person you think of on a daily basis? After our talk about us being twin flames, I was so excited to move on with this friendship because it felt like we finally had an understanding of what this is. I felt like we were finally passed this, I spent years comparing everyone to you. I spent so much time turning people away, getting into relationships where I would constantly think about you. I stopped doing that after a while though, especially when I got mad at you. I was kind of happy to meet your friend too. I spend a lot of time not thinking about relationships with people in that way and enjoying my time with the people I'm with. When we were on our way to brunch to meet up with you guys, we listened to and shared music back and forth. In those moments I felt like I was finally free of everything. I was able to enjoy the time I was spending with someone. I was able to really start being myself. I kind of wanted to see where that could have gone. I know we only hung out twice, but it was a really happy experience which I really don't feel used to these days. How could I tell someone that though when they know everything about how you feel towards me? When they know how our past is? Once you told me she didn't want to keep talking to me, a part of me felt like I wasn't in the wrong for feeling that way and you even told her that you wanted us to get to know each other. What do you really want? I know you care for me and love me, but what do you want? You said that it felt like I was never ready. It's a shame you can't look past the basement and my situation. I understand you want security, you want to feel as if you don't have to worry about finances and stuff. I understand you want a house and to have kids, but dude when are you going to be ready for that? I was ready to settle down 4 years ago, I had a good job. I had motivation to do bigger things because it was you. I don't know if all these emotions are driving me away from you, as like I said, I really do not hold anything against you. This is how our lives panned out, its just getting to the point where we have to figure it out.
We have a lot to talk about, yah dork.
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