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I've been clean and sober for 25 years.
I still go to meetings (zoom meetings are a bit weak though)
I am a public school special education teacher
I am a single white male. 53.
I want to die, but I also want to live.
I feel forgotten, unappreciated, unloved, unliked, overlooked.
Discarded. used. alone.
Sometimes, feelings of wanting to die are greater than wanting to live.
The pandemic makes it worse.
I don't want to be discarded or forgotten.
But does it matter if I'm dead?
Is that the better path?
Am I at a fork in the road?
Nothing brings me joy.
Not even contentment.
Not sure the meds work anymore.
I try to just be numb.
God help me.
jeez...who am I fooling. there's no god.
I can't think. No energy.
I wish I could just be unconscious and wake up feeling good.
But that won't happen. It never has before.
I feel repulsive and unlovable.
I am afraid of rejection; confirmation of how I feel about myself.
My mom was a lovely alcoholic. I got no warmth from her.
Childhood was like Harlow's monkeys.
Drugs, alcohol and pornography gave me comfort.
Mom was a good cook.
Dad travelled the world with amazing people, seeing and doing amazing things.
He was rarely home.
When he was, I hid.
I could never meet his expectations. disappointed. He'd get angry.
I needed help. they never gave it. it never came.
At 19 I told them I needed help.
"no. you're just running away from your problems like you always have."
I think I have PTSD.
So broken and incomplete.
I want to stop hurting.
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I'm so unbelievably, wholeheartedly proud of how far you've come. You have faced such pain and adversity your entire life and continued to soldier on. I mean this completely. I would highly suggest calling a support system such as the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 if you live in the USA - otherwise please look towards your country's lifeline. Talk to someone voice-to-voice, say all your crushing pain aloud. I want you to live and I want you to feel fulfilled in that life, but I know it's not so easy as to just flip a switch. Believe in a brighter future. I know there will be one for you. Thank you for being brave enough to write this.
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