Finally figured it out

It's hard for me to smile, I rarely ever have a reason to. But I suppose it's in the memories...

I can remember how lost and all alone I was so many years ago. The blank expression on my face when I had already died before even having a chance to live.

I suppose these are the small things that my therapist wants to know. How it affected me, how it felt. It's not something I like talking about, even as much as I've come to terms with.

I fail to see the importance of digging at those scars again, I'm so far removed from those days. I don't like remembering feeling my hands burn, feeling my heart pulse, the shooting pain of it, the blood dripping down my elbows.

I don't like remembering those things. I don't like remembering the belt hit my body, I don't like remembering the metal stinging my skin.

I don't like remembering pounding on that door, I don't like remembering screaming out for anyone to come save me, I don't like remembering that empty room, I don't like remembering how long I was in there.

I don't like remembering her taking the clothes of my tiny body, I don't like remembering her washing my body, I don't like remembering her tugging at my private part, I don't like remembering flailing around in the tub trying to escape her.

I don't like remembering all the bruises on my body, I don't like remembering what it was like to be called liar, I don't like remembering feeling like I was all alone in it.

I don't like remembering the years it went on for, I don't like remembering that I was a ghost even after, I don't like remembering that my father never bothered to try to help me, I don't like remembering the empty walls being my only friend.

I don't like remembering that even after all the torment stopped, I was still just as worthless and useless as she made me feel. I don't like remembering the reality of it all. I don't like remembering that no one could remember me, that I existed.

And now I shake, my insides turn cold and my eyes glaze over. I didn't want to be here again...