My Timed Entry

Over the last few months I have been remembering some rather traumatic experiences from my childhood that I had been repressing. It all started with a dream, nightmare rather, that made the first one come back. It made me realize that the one instance I remember of being thrown across the living room floor, landing on my face, and breaking my tooth wasn't the only one. Maybe that's why the pain, or the fact it was inflicted by someone who called themselves my parent wasn't the part that stood out to me but the feeling of flying, if only for those few seconds, did instead. Throughout my life I always remembered that incident as being my fault. After all I kept being told that I just became uncontrollable and it was the only way to stop me. All this time I'd been made to believe it was all my fault. But that kind of fear that those memories that have been coming back to me bring on isn't a result of my own actions, nor was it then. And even if it were being so terrified is not a way of controlling a child who's acting up. It's really hard but I've been coming to terms with it. And I keep telling myself it's not my fault. But in the meantime it's making me because more irky about being alone with this person. Honestly, the possibility of even accidentally saying something to anger them terrifies me. I'm not ready to tell anyone about any of this, but that also mean I have no way to explain to my mom why I refuse to interact with her husband. It means I have no explanation as to why I try to get as far away from him as possible because anyone at all touching me bothers me but when it's him it makes my skin crawl. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own conscious and feeling guilty for hating him, I don't need other people telling me I'm being uncivil by refusing to have anything to do with him especially since we live in the same house. But I'm just not ready to tell anyone yet.