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This is the first time I've decided to write about it. My grandfather passed away last December. He was critically ill and had been in that state for almost three months. It was painful to watch him in that condition, he could not talk, or even express what he felt. The anguish that he must have felt was, and is beyond my imagination. There was nothing I could do at that time to make that go away, though someone did say to me that I tried my best. Honestly, I don't feel that way. When he passed away, a part of me was relieved, for he was now free of the pain, discomfort and all that he must have felt. But, the sadness and helplessness that I felt the whole time he was sick lingered on. I still feel sad. Sometimes I feel anxious, my mind starts spiraling, going to every negative thought, thinking about the condition he was in, how helpless I felt looking at him, trying to think what could be improved in his care to make it bearable, that I failed to make that possible. It was hard for me to fall asleep, I stayed up till early mornings. I could not even enter his room. I went to stay at my sister's place for change, that was a little helpful. I came back after sometime, and honestly I felt a little better. I was able to sleep, I was able to go into his room, still not comfortable though. But lately, I have been feeling anxious and sad again, having the same negative thoughts, unable to fall asleep some nights. Last night, suddenly, out of nowhere those thoughts started coming back, I started thinking about my parents, I got scared that something might happen to them if I go to sleep. I tried to convince myself it was just my anxiety, tried to distract myself, took some time, but then slowly drifted off. I woke up this morning suddenly, earlier than usual, and realized that the house was very silent, no sound of any activity that usually is there because my mother starts the house chores early before I wake up and there is always the sound of that. I panicked, felt that something's wrong, got up and ran towards my parents' bedroom. No one was there, couldn't find them anywhere inside so ran to the kitchen window to look outside, found them standing in the porch talking to the neighbor, felt relieved. This is the first time it has happened, it scared me to hell. I don't know how to deal with this fear, this anxiety and the sadness. I don't think I have anybody to talk to about all this. And, I don't know what to do.
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You can't do anything dear. You love your parents and even the thought of losing them brings tears to eyes. There's nothing which can help us in this state. I don't know if you'll understand or believe. But I suggest you watching Sadhguru on YouTube. He is a great yogi who has answers to thousands of such questions with logic. You'll feel helped if you watch some of his video on this topic.
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