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I'm just writing whatever comes to my head, and this post is pretty long, so it's okay if you don't read all the way through. The middle part is there because I just needed to get some stuff on my brain and there was no way I was going to write it on a sticky note and put on my wall like I usually do. The last paragraph is the main part if you just wanna read that.
You know when life kinda forces you to do certain things? Maybe not. But the way my life has been going has always been forcing me to become less and less like me. I'm not as happy and outgoing as I used to be. I'm scared about doing even the littlest things because of how people have treated me in the past. People seem to hate it when I'm myself. So my personality has been forced to live behind a mask of what seems happy and free. And not only has the space it's been living in getting smaller and smaller, but it's fading away. My personality is leaving me. Every time someone walks past my room when I'm crying, I wipe my eyes in case they come in. Because they don't want to deal with me.
Two of my closest friends say that they're depressed and that they think about suicide sometimes. And it's not that I think they're NOT depressed. It's just that everyone they know KNOWS that they're depressed. No one knows about ME and how I'VE been feeling except for one person. And I guess it has to do with what's been happening to me for the past 4 years, which isn't a lot compared to some people, but it's a whole third of my life, so I think it's a lot. It's been causing me to share less about how I've been feeling.
When my parents see me cry, which hasn't happened for a couple years, they ask me what's wrong like most parents would, but I just say I don't know because I'm not going to tell them what's actually happening. They aren't going to understand, and I know because I've tried talking to them about it before, and they called me weak and dramatic. I could talk to my grandma, but I don't want to cause any problems for her. She's getting older. I'm not going to tell my brothers about it, they're not old enough to understand, and they probably won't ever understand because of how protected they are.
Life has forced me to be strong. It's forced me to take everything onto myself and keep telling myself I can do it. It's forced me to be okay and move on. It's forced me to be happy, or at least pretend to be happy. But I don't know how long I can keep telling myself that I'll be okay over and over again and still believe it.
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