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What Is Owed:
There are songs that I can’t listen to any more, whole playlists that I must let my eyes drift past without acknowledgement, or else feel my diaphragm begin to drop towards the ground in the inevitable precursor to a paralysing numbness ever ready to settle into my mind.
There are pictures I cannot look at. As such I have developed, out of self-preservation, a new instinct and ability allowing me to see most everything else going on in a photograph without truly touching the hole with my conscious perception.
There are memories I must not dwell on, and this is a problem I have found harder to solve. When, from noting an action, sound or, god forbid, scent; (and one that may have made itself known on a dozen or more occasions without ill effect) the present sensations of existence blink away as the numbness snaps into existence, except for an ever watching part of my mind which calmly states: You could push through this if you actually wanted to get better.
For perhaps three seconds a paralysis of the mind until an easing allows me to shake off the state. From there to await the next event with a cliché bittersweet sensation of self pity. Because though I may not be entirely responsible, I had the power to prevent it, and so this is simply karma.
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